I had a little tantrum yesterday. I don’t know quite what led up to it, but the total-straws-minus-one were already piled on the camel’s back, or rather MY back, when I switched on the television and it happened to be on a channel showing one of those motivational speakers working an audience, and she was saying, “In the last two generations, consumption of The Food Product Currently Playing the Role of Satan has increased by TEN THOUSAND TIMES!!!” and it showed her audience nodding and shaking their heads as if this were shocking, just shocking.
You’ll be glad to know I didn’t throw the remote across the room while yelling “That is because that’s when The Current Incarnation of Satan was INVENTED!!! Why not go for broke and say it’s an INFINITE increase, you ignorance-encouraging, fear-mongering, statistics-misusing BITCH???”
Er, no, actually I did.
The problem clearly goes beyond me reaching my lifetime limit for crowd manipulators. There is, I think, a need for me to find a way to handle 4:00-7:00 p.m. with less suffering. I do fine all day, but by Hour Eleven I am DONE and there are still three more hours to get through before the little kids go to bed.
A cocktail is pretty much exactly the ticket, and so I tried a daily 4:00 cocktail regimen, but I found it works better for me if it’s, like, once or twice a week and not every day. So I’ll put “alcohol” on the Friday and Saturday slots, and maybe we can find something else for the other days.
On the “There’s NO problem EXERCISE can’t solve!!!” theory, I tried a daily 4:00 short-fast-run regimen, but it made things way, way worse: I was sweaty and hot and irritable afterward, and it was infuriating how much planning and preparation went into such a short thing. It was like trying to take five kids to the grocery store for a single loaf of bread: not worth the trouble. Plus, we don’t need MORE things to accomplish in that 3-hour crazy time of homework and baths and dinner and tidying and bedtime routines.
I tried upbeat music and I tried soothing music, but we don’t need more noise around here either, and it was frustrating trying to hear and be heard over it, and it jangled me to be dealing with another source of distraction.
I tried a cup of coffee at around 2:30/3:00, but it made me irritable. I tried a nourishing little snack, and that helped a little but not sufficiently.
If you have a good strategy for The Hours of Suffering, do please share.
Oh Swistle, I do WISH I had a good strategy for you, but I can’t think of one that you haven’t tried! Though I’d still like to offer a huge congratulations on your problem-solving skills. You’ve tried way more things than I ever would be able to do before completely losing it.
My husband is away until JUNE 25. I have one child (a 4 month old baby) and three dogs to take care of in my two story house. That doesn’t sound too bad, right?
Except my husband calls every day to say how bored he is of reading all evening for four hours a night. I’d kill to do that.
Also, I ripped a muscle in the front of my calf and the baby has decided 4:30 am is the best time to be up for the day. I don’t want to drink because I am bfing her. I can’t take the muscle relaxers prescribed for the same reason. The dogs always want to go outside (no fence so they must be walked on leashes in the yard). Downstairs is the access to outside and the kitchen. Upstairs is the bathroom and bedrooms and baby stuff. Did I mention the ripped calf muscle? What about the fact that I can’t take the muscle relaxers?
I’m very interested to know what everyone comes up with to survive that time. VERY interested.
I can sympathize, Swistle. Feel better soon. I have no suggestions other than maybe baked goods.
Is there anything that would fit into a different time slot of the day? Or would that just add to the chaos of a different time? I’m right there with you though, my hard hours are from 5-7.
I am here only for advice. I will be checking back.
I’m right there with you, but add to mine that both my husband and I come home from work around 5. We only have one child (12 months), but I have found that keeping her busy at least keeps her happy during those times. The other 2 of us just have to deal.
I am having one of those days and one of my first thoughts this morning was, I know I’ll go to Target. Not going to help in your situation, but I thought I would share. It sounds out there and hokey, but could you try a 5 minute breathing time. Get the kids to do it too – okay maybe 2 minute.
Those are my “hours of suffering” too. It’s like a timer goes off in my brain at exactly 4 pm: “Beep! you are now officially out of patience!”
I’ve tried all of the same things: the drink, the workout, the coffee, nothing helps, most make things worse. Especially the coffee because then I can’t sleep when I finally get to lie down.
This week I’m trying tea instead of coffee. More specifically the celestial “tension tamer” tea. It seems to be working, but I haven’t really gotten to test it yet as the hubby is on his week off and has been home to help me with the suffering hours the last few days as well. I’ll keep ya posted.
Hmmm…whine, bitch and moan? Sporadically yell, “Oh for crap’s sake!” Those are my tactics anyway…
I don’t know if this is the kind of advice you are seeking, but It really matters how we are taking care of our bodies. How are your sleep habits and your food intake? (what you are eating, not necessarily how much). We do a Daniel Fast this is a fast that limits bad food, not how much you eat…eating only Whole foods…vegetables, fruits and certain grains) a couple times a year and it is AMAZING the difference in the way we feel (at least after the first couple of days of withdrawal from sugar and all the chemical additives from our food) when we take all the processed garbage out of our systems.
I recently added a High Vitamin Butter/Fermented Cod Liver oil Capsules from Greenpasture.org to my daily routine (following the Weston A Price recommended dosage of 2 tsp or 8 capsules a day (because I’m pregnant and nursing…1 tsp/4 capsules a day for everyone else) and I feel so energized throughout the day…even though I”m in my first trimester, taking care of 6 kids (3 under 2.5 years old) and eating a lot of not so great things. Hope this helps!
Oh, Swistle. I am sorry to hear of your frustrating hours! I clicked into your comments, to see what I could glean from them, but it seems as if everyone (myself included) is looking for answers rather than offering them.
Here are some suggestions, based entirely on unproven theories: when I am cranky, it is almost always blood-sugar related. I crave a sweet, but it makes it worse. Try a protein-based snack. My husband usually gets home around 4, and takes over all child-wrangling during these hours. I take about 20 minutes of alone-time, and then make dinner. When he is out of town, massive meltdowns transpire. Can you institute afternoon “reading time” where everyone has to pull out a book (you too, no exceptions) for 20 minutes at 4 or 4:30? Or, maybe instead of a run, you could drag all the kids on a walk every afternoon? Less sweat…. Lastly, how about a mother’s helper for 1.5 or 2 hours after school? You could get a high-schooler to “tutor” your older kids and get them started on homework. Good luck.
Is there some sort of early-evening fun-yet-relaxing special treat routine you could implement? I’m envisioning a child-sized version of “let’s watch an entire season of MadMen one episode at a time” which you could do at the same time every day, with a nice treat of freshly-popped popcorn for kids and diet tonic water with lime for you (tastes like cocktail!), for a nice little relaxing break. Except, you know, not Mad Men, but something child-appropriate that they’d look forward to that would get everyone sitting and mellowing and chilling for a while?
If you like/can eat really, really dark chocolate (like 70% or higher), I find that a square or two of that picks me right up. It’s so intense that I don’t want to eat more than a small square, and it packs a caffeine/sugar punch many times its caloric impact. I don’t know if it’s enough to get you through Hours 11-14 of mothering, but it sure does help me through my day of teaching.
Uff. I’m totally a food/drink soother, so I would go that route. I lot of times I pour myself a glass of wine as soon as I get home (and get in my pjs), and even if I don’t DRINK it (too busy with dinner or whatevs), it soothes. Although if I started cocktail hour at 4 each day I would probably be asleep by 7 so I can see how that might not work.
Kind of makes you wish for a Xanax dealer or similar. Heh.
Maybe exercise earlier in the day? Might help even out The Hours of Suffering? When I have managed to exercise early in the day (currently not happening AT ALL)I find the rest of the day goes better, all the way around. Although I think those are pretty universal Hours of Suffering–everybody (kids included) is at their wit’s end at that time of day.
In my neighborhood, the dads all get home at like 4 (FOUR, I cannot IMAGINE how nice that would be) and take the kids outside while the moms cook/catch up/have kid-free time inside. Well, except me. I have the lawyer husband who gets home at 6:30 on an EARLY night (sometimes 7:30, sometimes later) and so I have to keep my poor kids inside watching their neighbor friends run around and have fun so I can cook dinner so we can all eat as fast as we can and squeeze in bedtime by 8. Most days I’m pretty resigned about it but sometimes I need a bit of a freaking vent about it. Grr.
Really it wasn’t so bad when I could have a cocktail at around 5ish, but then I got pregnant again. Two more months until more cocktails! (Incidentally, I’m more than willing to drink while breastfeeding, just not to excess. Mothers are quite capable of judging when they are just having a drink and when they are DRINKING HEAVILY, thank you very much medical establishment. I hate to see people unnecessarily depriving themselves, so I thought I’d mention it…)
Lock all short people in the closet? ….No?
I haven’t found much that worked except sometimes I save their tv viewing time for late in the afternoon (as opposed to first thing in the morning as it typically is). When it’s nice outside sending them out to the back yard to play sometimes works. Although most often it seems that no matter what they are just needier at that time of day – the exact time at which I need them to NOT need me. It sucks, doesn’t it?
I have been having a good run of afternoon time and I think it’s because of a few changes I made.
1. I try very hard to keep the house tidy throughout the day. I’m awful at putting things away when I use them, but it makes the end-of-day tidying much easier when the house isn’t messy to begin with and my mental state is happier. I know that when the kids are in bed, I can go IMMEDIATELY to something I want to do, not pick up the house.
2. If it’s been a day where I just haven’t kept on top of it, I set the timer for 15 minutes and make all my kids help me. We pick up as much as possible. It gives us something to do and teaches them that they are responsible for picking up clutter, too. It doesn’t just MAGICALLY go away each night.
3. In keeping with “stay on top of the constant mess,” I try to do at least some dinner prep earlier in the day so there’s less to do during that 4-7 pm time.
4. We do something brief after school, just to kill an hour or so. Sometimes we go to the pet store or Costco, sometimes we walk to the neighborhood park, play outside, etc. This is when I’m feeling motivated.
5. When I’m not feeling motivated, we watch TV and I have a cocktail. No shame in that.
6. (Probably the most important, sorry for burying it.) When I am really stressed, I find that it’s because I’m trying to manage my kids AND keep up with Twitter/email/google reader. When I shut my computer off with the understanding that it will all wait until after bedtime, I am much more patient.
Hmm I don’t really have an answer but damn I hope someone else does. I’ll keep checking back. Good luck!
Do you have a backyard where you can turn them out, and just hang back and peek through the window? Or at least have a cool drink while you sit on the steps and watch? I imagine a backyard (since I still an apartment dweller) with so much LONGING. Or even a driveway for bike riding/sidewalk chalking, etc.
I feel your pain. I vote for a summertime sitter/mother’s helper to come by to fill the pre-dinner hours — maybe this person could even get the children OUT of the house so you could have some QUIET while dealing with dinner. :) I cop to letting my son watch his beloved Sesame Street DVD in those late afternoon times when I am JUST. DONE. Good luck.
I definitely vote for a mother’s helper if you can swing it. And can you try prepping dinner earlier using a crock pot or by making casseroles or something? I find life infinitely easier if I manage to do that. Versus yesterday when I tried to make pizza with too-wet dough and ended up with flour and super sticky dough everywhere an d had to answer the phone with my toe when A called to say he was on his way home.
Isn’t it funny how this feeling for us happens right around the same time of day as the kids go batshit crazy? It’s the Adult Witching Hour.
Sometimes, a drink or Xanax will only dull the situation but it’s still full of seething crank.
One of the best things I have found – and this may sound reDONKulous, but when I’m feeling like I could put the kids in the tub with a pancake and leave them there till their father gets home, I put on some music.
Something really upbeat – something you love. And turn it LOUD. So loud, you can’t hear them. (Go download V. V. Brown’s “Shark in the Water” or “Everybody” and I dare you not to shake your ass).
So they shake it, and I shake it, and watching my 22-month old swing his skinny monkey arms and my 4-yo try and coordinate her arms and feet always makes me laugh.
And even though we look like the white people rejects from Soul Train, we giggle and laugh and it most always helps.
For the other days, there’s the wine
My only strategy is to have low expectations for any ‘me time’ in those hours, even though I’m tired and cranky from the day. I try to have a simple meal plan, a schedule for baths, rules for homework, etc. to try to make things a little less chaotic. When we don’t have to run out to kid activities in the evening (which is NEVER right now), I push them out to the backyard to burn off some energy and inflict some of their noise on the neighbours.
I’m a big fan of surrendering to the awful — sometimes, when I realize there’s a time of day I dread (4 am with a baby, 6 pm with a toddler), I find relief in stopping trying to make it better. Because the truth is don’t actually want a cookie/5 minutes to myself/a quick email check, I want two hours to myself, with unlimited cookies and an entire novel. So — and this is a personality trait that doesn’t always serve me well, but I try to work with it — I’d rather have nothing than just a taste. And sometimes I find that a significant chunk of my frustration and stress eases if I’m no longer annoyed by trying and failing to make X feel more fulfilling. Obviously, taken to the extreme, this could mean pushing yourself intoa total breakdown, so I’m not advocating never trying to take a break, but maybe it would be something worth trying once?
i wonder if there is someone that would be willing to trade with you? i know that those hours are hard for me as well and when my hubby doesn’t come home until late i’m pretty frazzled as well … i trade with a friend every tuesday, i have her kids over one week and then she has mine the next … somehow when i have extra kids they entertain each other and i’m able to get things done … and when i have no one the house is so quiet! is there anyway that you might be able to make that work for a portion of the ‘hours of suffering’?
maybe a mommy helper? is it worth it to pay an older girl to come and help out?
what about rope? have you thought about tying up the kids??
i’ve often thought about running away, but that opens a whole new can of worms …
laughter is the best medicine – if you can laugh about it or turn it into a comedy of errors … shoot the time will fly.
maybe try saying a little prayer and ask for some divine help … Heavenly Father loves you and doesn’t like to see you suffer … maybe if you ask He’d help you out!?
that’s all i’ve got … good luck… i’ll say a little prayer of my own for you!
I only have one, so maybe this won’t work when you have a house full, but I find our evenings are much better when I take 30 minutes to sit down on the floor and play with my daughter. I ignore the chores and what I should be doing and just play. This is not possible every day, but when it is, the evenings are much better.
I also sometimes do early bath, just to keep her entertained while dinner is cooking. This requires both parents in attendance (one to cook and one to bath).
Klonopin. I’m not kidding. I take one when I am feeling really agitated, I call it my ‘caged animal’ feeling. It works wonders. Ask your Dr. about it.
I am always a “simplify, simplify” kind of woman, so I agree with the prep-dinner-ahead of time people. Crock pots are like little miracles and taking five minutes in the morning to chop veggies or what-have-you will help. And anything that absolutely, positively does not need to be done then gets put off or rescheduled.
Other than that….deep breathing? Kicking things? Cursing? All valid options.
What about an older kid (teenager) from the neighborhood to come play with your kids for an hour or so? Or letting your older kids be “in charge” for a bit while Mommy goes and takes a nice shower (screams her head off) for about 15 minutes?
That time of day is just crap. The only thing that makes is not total crap for us just now is that my son is 7 and has three kids across the street and next door he plays with. So, we mainly just turn him loose outside with them and he plays until dinner. The baby still takes a good afternoon nap most days until 3:30 or 4:30 depending, so my husband (who is a SAHD) catches a rest break just before the witching hour. I’m pretty certain that when my daughter goes down to one nap and is finished by 2:00 or so, we’re going to have to figure out SOME solution to the witching hours that doesn’t involve my husband becoming completely hammered by the time I get home at 5:30…
There is no help for those Total Meltdown Hours. Just feel comforted knowing you are not along. In households around the world that contain small children, Moms and Dads are dealing with the Meltdown Hours.
It DOES get better as the kids get older. Seriously.
Sometimes a cup of tea, not coffee, in the afternoon (around Quiet Time) is just what I need. It has a little kick of caffeine, but not as much as coffee would give me.
Also, when I realize that I’m climbing the wall (my problem: pressure cooker. Sometimes I don’t realize how overwhelmed I’m getting until I’m shouting at someone/everyone), I will send everyone outside or “I’ll find some WORK for you to do!” Works like a charm and I get a much needed breather.
I don’t know if this would be something that your kids would like, or if it would just be another thing to add to the long list of stuff that needs doing. My kids are 4 (just turned 4) and 20 months. My older kid has shown an immense interest in yoga lately, as there’s a yoga book at his daycare. I’ve never done yoga, ever, but I signed a bunch of “yoga for kids” books out of the library and I’ve been doing yoga with them just before bed. It’s rather soothing. And it’s fun to watch them try the poses. Maybe that’s something that would calm everyone down? Or maybe not practical to try to wrangle them into doing something else.
TV. The kids don’t watch much TV, but every day at 4:00 I turn it on and they mostly leave me alone. Then dinner at 5, because we’re geriatric, apparently, and the kids tend to be okay after dinner. Sometimes I just have to deep breathe through stories/bathtime/bedtime though.
Oh! Oh! Since you asked, I am going to push mediation on you. I know, I know. One more thing to accomplish. If you can hold out until Hubby gets home, and then insist you get 10 minutes of uninterrupted time – and put your foot down — this might help. It is a “Evening Inventory” meditation, and damn if it doesn’t help me keep my shit together. I am going to email the file to you. Oh, I hope you will give this a shot!
If not, maybe an afternoon hot chocolate with either cinnamon or peppermint schnapps?
I call this the 5 oclock meltdown hour.
I recommend cookies.
I am looking forward to this summer, because I has hired me a BABYSITTER for the hours of 1 to 5 pm, when my oldest will be home from summer camp. We eat dinner at from 5 to 5:30ish, and then the tv goes on until 6:45, when we start getting ready for bed. Sadly, I have 3 more weeks until said babysitter starts. Waah.
Dude, I came here looking for advice too! Sadly, I have none to offer.
mamabear023, that sounds like meth – not cod liver oil! I want some of what you’re taking!
A 12- or 13-year old mother’s helper, if you can find one in the neighborhood that doesn’t need a ride over. If they want to get into babysitting, this is a first step, and they are CHEAP in my area. Have them come in for one or two hours (even if it’s only once or twice a week, not every day) and take some of the burden of that time off you. Have them play with 2 of the kids while you tend to the needs of the others. Or have them clean up the kitchen while you get the littles down – then you don’t need to clean up the kitchen when the kids are finally in bed!
I’ll be following these comments because these are the hardest hours for us too, and no one is even in school yet.
Ha ha, I want some of mamabear023’s ‘meth’, too!
I’m here for help, too, and finding some good ideas that might work for me. @Carmen’s yoga idea made a little bell go off in my head- my 6 year old nephew LOVES yoga and will do it with his mom. Maybe that can be a feel-good time killer?
Good luck. I feel ya, sister.
When I was a nanny we almost always used those hours for something that would wear the kids out — in the spring/fall we would hit up a park or go for a walk, and once it was nice and warm we kept a shallow kiddie pool on the back deck and the kids would play in it almost every day without complaint. On the days that it was raining or too hot even for water play we would watch a movie or something. But now that it’s summertime I highly recommend a cheap little kiddie pool – I think I got ours at CVS for about 10.00 and we used it all summer long. It is amazing how much time can get wasted by kids ‘watering’ the sidewalk or the grass or whatever.
As an added bonus, watching the kids splash around totally doesn’t eliminate cocktail hour for those days that you really need it!
For those intrigued by yoga, my kids (twin 6yos and a 2yo) have loved this DVD set for a couple years:
http://www.amazon.com/Gaiam-Kids-Yogakids-Fun-Collection/dp/B000AYELBK/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1275684036&sr=8-2
Also, today I have to be to work by 7 pm and work 12 hrs, so I am drinking coffee and my kids are watching their birthday Loony Tunes collection. We’re having leftovers for dinner. It’s pleasant.
My sister and I referred to it as ‘gangrene hour’ and still use the 5 or so recipes with 3 -4 ingredients that take 20 minutes to put together. We tried several things… from D.E.A.R. time (Drop Everything And Read) to music and loud outdoor chanting, from ‘saved’ TV time to locking them outside in the fenced-in yard until the 15 minute timer went off.
Some things worked most of the time, but nothing worked all of the time.
Thursday evenings I escaped to choir practice for 2 hours. They had childcare!
Oh, my dear Swistle, I want the answer, too. I got nothin,’ but I’m about to read what all your nice helpful commenters have to say!
Television. And no, I don’t feel guilty about it. When I’m DONE, my daughter gets to watch TV. If it’s a really bad day maybe it’s a movie. But yeah I’d say Nick Jr. is on about an hour a day around here…
Something that sometimes works for me is: just fake cheerfulness. It might still suck and I might still be cranky but I don’t also end up feeling guilty later for imposing my mood on everyone else. I don’t care if the kids see through it, I’ll even tell them that I’m having a hard time being cheerful but I’m trying hard and their cooperation is expected. That’ll weird them out enough that they go find something else to do. Furthermore, at least half the time the faking even works on me.
I read through most of the comments so far. And the one I think would really make a big difference (and something I have considered myself) is the idea of a mother’s helper or older neighborhood teen to come over during some or all of those hours. If there was a decent teenager in my ‘hood, I would have already done it. It would be worth the $ to keep my sanity a little bit. Even if you still did the homework help and the spare person did a craft/game/whatever with the other kids. Even if it was Mon/Wed/Fri or some such schedule. I think that is really the most practical & while it doesn’t give you “me” time, it reduces the juggling act. I don’t mind making dinner but the CONSTANT interruption kills me!
I think “Linda” is right on.
I also think perhaps you could combine the 4pm exercise with exercise for the whole family, too. Bikes, older kids pull wagons for younger kids, walk to a store or park (having no idea what your neighborhood is like, of course). Or do a family fun time in the front yard like we did yesterday: sprinkler on, sidewalk chalk out, cornhole set up, t-ball out. And then execute it in “stations.”
And crock pot dinners are your friend. :o)
I haven’t read the other posts, but I make dinner earlier in the day, usually during the afternoon nap and then heat it up at dinner time. This is not idea because then there is no down time during the naps for me, but it makes things SO much easier between 4 and 5:30! I can just play with them or get stuff out for them to play with and check my email or even go to the park for an hour before dinner because I don’t have to be home to cook. I end up yelling at the kids much less because my attention isn’t divided so they are not “bothering” me so much. I don’t have school-aged kids though, so no homework for me. Mine are 1 and 3. After dinner I pop them both into the bath together and dad usually walks in the door during their bath. I take the one year old to bed at 7 and dad takes the 3 year old to bed at 8. There are days I don’t make dinner at nap time-for instance, if one of them won’t nap, and those days are HELL!!!!
I’m hoping summer break starts soon, so at least the homework part will go on hiatus for a while!
As I read this I thought of a couple of things. The first – why not keep a little diary to record what you do during this period and how you feel? This will hopefully show you three things, all of the days don’t suck, on the good days there is something that you are doing that works and on the bad days something is triggering the downward spiral.
The other thing I thought of, is give your self a reward for the time of day when you are done, which I think you said is 7. Some days it could be a trip to Target, others a drink or a special dessert. Just something you can look forward to – a treat for making it through. That way, you can think about something nice to distract you through the crappy time. For me, it is knowing I am going to get out for a run with my friends at 8:00 and get to bitch and moan while exercising my frustrations out.
Hope this helps a bit. Sorry, it is so sucky right now. I hope it gets better soon.
Hmm. Just read all of the suggestions. My favorite was the one about reducing expectations for the witching hour. As your husband said to you a while ago, if you and all the kids make it through alive, you’re doing a great job.
I go to work and work 3-11:30pm. :)