I saw this for the first time this morning and assumed it must have happened during the night—like, a cat got trapped in the room or there was an earthquake or something. “OMG, what happened???,” I said. “Oh, Henry pulled those down,” Paul said. “…When?,” I asked. “Saturday, I think,” Paul replied. “…,” I said.
Mail, including things such as PAUL’S MAGAZINES. I’d had no idea how vital my “putting them on his desk” role was to the household.
Before I left, I emptied all the trash cans.
Before I left, I did laundry like a madwoman (I’m assuming that’s what madwomen do? Lots of laundry?) so that there would be NO NEED to do any. Paul was spontaneously moved to do some anyway. So far today I’ve found William’s sleeping shorts in Edward’s shirt drawer, William’s shorts and jeans both crammed into his jeans drawer so that it can’t close (shorts drawer is one drawer up and has plenty of room in it), and a little stack of mixed shirts, socks, and underwear resting comfortably in William’s shorts drawer.
Paul SNIPPED OFF the pull-cord to this lamp (one of the reasons I BOUGHT the lamp), “because the kids kept messing with it.” WT?????????????????????????????????
Uhhhh…I don’t know; I’m guessing this is one of those times where you have to sit down, close your eyes and think back, way back to the time when you first looked into Paul’s eyes and realized how much you loved him? Because that’s the strategy I always employ with Brian when I’m fighting the urge to beat him upside the head with a heavy blunt object.
Welcome home indeed.
ARGH!!!! Who snips a cord off a lamp?!
I love big stacks of mail. What’s in the big box? lol
HAHAHA!!! Oh, welcome home indeed! At least the children are fine, right?
My hubby does things like snipping the cord off the lamp. Used to make me bonkers, now I’m pretty accustomed to it.
I’m pretty sure I would have been in jail for assault and battery, so considering you’re able to write this, you must be a stronger woman than I.
Paul, Paul, Paul.
Can you duct tape the bird back on?
;)
Oh, thank you for that laugh this morning. I needed that.
These are all pretty good, but the pull cord? That takes the cake.
I’m still laughing.
Is it odd that I’m angry that you came home to such a state – when you obviously worked so hard to make sure it was nice for them before you left?
Paul should find a way to FIX YOUR PULL CORD. Then, next time, before you go to Niece-ville, hide the scissors, knives, and any other sharp objects in the house.
Oh, dear. No, no, no. The first picture makes me quite upset. So does the last.
You just turn right around and get back on that plane!
ACK!!!
I can SO relate.
Susan
My husband is an absolute neat freak, and gave me a hard time about not having everything in place by the time he gets home from work, since my daughter and I get home about an hour before he does. Then I went to Blogher. My house looked about like yours when I got home, and he hasn’t made a peep about how little I get done when home alone with one very active toddler.
Maybe you’ll get some sort of similar sentiment, about how much he realizes he needs you and appreciates all you do?
Dear Paul,
Really? REALLY? You know this makes you kind of a douchebag, right?
Love,
Erica
Dear Swistle,
Once we’re married, things like this will NEVER happen. Although, I am prone to nagging.
Love,
Erica
Husbands do this thinking that it will mean that their wives will go away less frequently. You just speak to him like one of the children and tell him to clean up after himself. Mine has been behaving much better since I started referring to him as one of the children. He HATES it. I respond that he behaves no differently…
OMG.
I’m speechless. I’ve been sitting here trying to come up with a comment that doesn’t involve murder and I can’t do it.
This gives new meaning to the phrase “when the cat’s away, the mice will play.”
Personally, I am surprised you are not in jail right now. I would be.
The amount of loud, deep sighing, under-breath muttering and eye-rolling that I would do if I came home to that is not able to be expressed in numbers.
The lamp pull, though, would merit something more emphatic. Because, come ON, dude.
Wow. The mess and the garbage would have me seeing red… but that pull-cord snip put me over the edge.
The lamp pull? SO something my husband would do.
I came home with a shirt for my kid and he didn’t like that it had a hood. So he CUT IT OUT. Also? Cut a whole right through the shirt.
Husbands. More muscle than good sense.
Dude. Typical, though. My mom always says we get punished for daring to go out somewhere.
Boy, it’s like he’s punishing you for leaving.
Wow.
Except for the whole Social Services factor, you may have been better off leaving the kids home alone. At least they wouldn’t have snipped the pull cord on the lamp!
Get in the car and go to Target for a new lamp that doesn’t have a pull cord. Also have a Starbucks.
I thought I was the only one who would come home to trash balanced precariously on top of a loaded bag.
I’m sorry, Swistle. Love is hard sometimes.
Men!
The room thing I think would have been the worst for me. The weekend before last I spent HOURS reorganizing my boys’ playroom. It was neat and tidy and ORGANIZED. My MIL, who normally watches the boys while we work, was on vacation. So my husband, who has a more flexible job, worked odd hours so he could be home with them. After one day, the playroom was trashed. After two days it was partially picked up, but still messy and not the least bit picked up. After three it was trashed again. Grrrr.
I’m sorry about the pull cord. I can see why that would be irritating, especially since it was the whole reason you bought the lamp.
Oh my god oh my god oh my god deeeeep breath.
This is one of those times where you have to go and be alone for a moment so you don’t FLIP OUT on him.
Though, I will admit in my house I am the guilty party with trash cans. I joke and tell my husband that I am competing to see who can stack it highest without it falling over, and whoever makes it fall has to take it out. Really I’m just that lazy
So Paul’s going to be the one picking up the house in anticipation of his mother’s visit, right? Since it’s HIS mom, and since he just undid the work that you had done prior to your trip (laundry done, mail sorted, toys picked up)? RIGHT?! Because if he’s not planning on doing so, I’d say you have some strongly worded suggestions to present to him.
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re-entry: my least favorite part of being gone everywhere. is it really so hard to do things the way i do them?
last time i was gone, my husband said the kids kept telling him he wasn’t doing it the way i do it. but did he listen?
I am married to a man who would/does do these kinds of things. It drives me batshit and that’s why we’re in counseling.
You can fix that pull cord easy-peasy. Go to a bead or craft store (bring the bird with the chain for sizing) and buy the connecter you would get for a ball-chain necklace. They are like, ten cents. I make necklaces for my daughter out of that chain all the time. You may have to settle for silver, but maybe the shade will hide it. I LOVE the lamp. Don’t toss it. Unless – did Paul snip it so close you can’t join it? That would be LAME.
I feel your pain. I’m sorry.
A small consolation: the two halves of the chain can be re-connected. Hardware stores and craft stores sell bead-ball clasps.
Dude. That? Sucks.
I could let the laundry thing go because he probably *thought* he was helping but the toy mess, mail, and the trash? LAME. How long would it have taken to fix that before you got home? 20 minutes maybe? A small amount of time and effort would have gone a LONG way to making your return much more pleasant.
And the lamp? That’s just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, WRONG.
The first picture looks like the normal state of affairs at our house, sad to say.
Oh well, I hope you enjoyed your trip.
I second what Gaby said.
This makes me so angry.
At least the cord was not thrown away, but then that would have required him taking out the trash.
Men! Can’t live without them and it is against the law to kill them!
Welcome home ~ at least the kids were fine.
Sorry ~ I feel your pain.
I do so enjoy your blog.
Come by and see mine, I am a stitcher ~ theflyingitchesneedle.blogspot.com but only after you get the house back in order. HA!!!
God Bless ~
Lenna
Oh, PAUL. I do believe I’m married to Paul…
It must be a testament to how bad I have it, because my first thought was, “Ooh! He did laundry!!!”
I came home from a short trip one time, and there were so many toys and crap laying around I could not get the door to the house open just to get inside!!! Seriously, I can relate more than you can imagine.
I echo what Grace said.
“Paul, Paul, Paul.” *head on desk*”
Re the mail: we mailed invitations to my son’s birthday party a little late this year (the week of the party). There were not ONE but TWO dads who called me after the fact to apologize for their kid not coming or RSVPing–their wife was away that week, and “she’s the one who opens the mail.”
At the time I felt a little sorry for their wives–but now I see that This Is How It Is. Women are the only ones capable of opening the mail.
When the Swistle’s away…
The Paul will cut off the lamp’s pull cord.
THIS is one of my ALL TIME favorite posts. Men are so ridiculous.
Lamp can be fixed (I think!)
It looks like it’s that basic beaded metal cord, right? In Lowe’s and Home Depot, in the lamp/fan/overhead light section, there is usually an endcap with all sorts of light fixture accessories – extra pull cords, extra switches, even extra metal cord thingy and the little end clips that go with them. (In our Lowe’s the section I’m talking about is on the border between the fans and the lights, kind of like a middle horizontal hallway?) It seems to me you just need an extra metal clip thingy to attach the two sides back together. Usually they have a few different colors, but if you can’t find the right color you can find the one closest to it, clip the stil-attached cord smaller and attach the new one so you don’t see the joint; it’d be hidden under the lamp. The metal cord and clips come in different sizes, so take your pull with you to the store to make sure you get the right size/color.
Better yet, make Paul go to Lowe’s.
This is why I am scared to death to leave for a weekend. I have a feeling I would come home to this and worse.
He better get ready to clean before his mother shows up.
I am mad as hell on behalf of you.
Wow. Just…wow.
Oh, my. My my my. I am very glad to know that I’m not alone. I really must wonder what goes on a man’s neanderthal brain half the time.
I can see my own husband doing ALL of these things.
omg. while i would be SEEING RED over that lamp, i definitely would take it into a store and see if you can have the pull re-attached. it’s definitely worth it for that lamp & pull.
Yeah, the lamp cord is a bit over-the-top but easily fixed at least. The rest… well, let’s just say I live with a man-child who is more or less incapable of cleaning up after himself, so I would consider it a success if the garbage was full. And he wonders why I don’t think I want kids… go have a pint of Ben & Jerry’s while you watch Paul clean it up.
I’m having a hard time breathing. Really. Like, SHORT OF BREATH.
OMGGGGG.
Oh, man. Menards carries those pull-cord thingies, right? (I HOPE SO, for Paul’s sake.)
I bet he’s proud of himself for doing some laundry and thinks the rest of the mess is “no big deal.”
I *think* you can fix the pull cord with one of those dealies that connects the severed end with the original end. Go look at your ceiling fans.
Also, men. Sheesh. The word verification is flumses. Which is what men are. Flumses.
You need a ball chain connector. Depending on the size, Michaels, Joann or any other craft store probably has them. Check the jewelry section . . . you could probably buy a ball chain with a clasp . . . that clasp is a ‘ball chain connector’. Sometimes they’re sold as ‘keychains’.
Shame on Paul!
If I had been you, I would’ve looked around at the mess, and then looked at my husband and said “I’m leaving and going to Target/the Mall/far,far away. I expect this house will look the exact same way as I left it right before I went out town, right? Right”.
Loveyoubye”
Sorry you had to come home to that, Swistle.
I second the commenter who said don’t bother cleaning up for your mother-in-law’s visit. Grrr.
oh wow.
Overflowing trash cans are my biggest household pet peeve. As if no one notices the trash is full. But I try to offer it up. ;-)
Jeez. Welcome home.
I’m really jealous of your all of your Target turquoise and green bins. I only have a few of them.
OMG, the lamp would send me over the edge. My husband can’t match up the damned socks. He will roll together 2 distictly different socks. Drives me batshit bonkers. You need another vacation.
Another vacation only partially solves the problem. You need another husband*.
*oh I’m sorry. Did I say husband? I meant to say lamp. You need another LAMP.
Uggghhh!
And I thought I was stressed out about the whole big girl cup in the living room. This post just about raised my blood pressure to like double!
But, in all honesty, it was nice of the hubby to pile the mail on his desk for you! Think how much more convenient it will be for you to throw it away now! :|
It’s pretty great to have a husband who is cheerful about watching the kids for a few days while you have a getaway. Being the only one on kid watch 24/7 is exhausting. While men often do have a very different ‘approach to household care’, I’m grateful to be married to a guy who is willing to do things like that.
And in all fairness, if you went to do his job for a few days, you might make a mess of it too, being new at handling it and all. I know that he’s not new at taking care of kids, but it’s hard to learn to balance home care and kid craziness for an extended period of time.
Personally, I think Paul (and the other husbands out there) deserves a little slack here.
Oh, Ellen. Ellen, Ellen, Ellen. I acknowledge my luckiness without giving up my claim to the suckiness, Ellen. He CUT THE PULL-CORD OFF A LAMP, Ellen. That’s not “a different approach.”
So sorry you had to come home to this Swistle. I would be SO put out.
However, I think this post made me laugh more than any of your others.
Sad…but very funny, too.
Ellen, I suppose when your husband does watch your child(ren), he’s “doing you a favor” so you can go off and do something else? Both parents are responsible for the children, not one parent over the other.
I would guess the reason Swistle is upset is because he showed a lack of concern for her stuff (cutting off the pull-cord. Really?) and he couldn’t be bothered to clean up a little. It’s not hard to pick up the garbage and walk outside. Even a child can do that.
Hi Swistle. I guess I’m in the minority here but the fact that your husband was “spontaneously moved” to do laundry speaks volumes for him. You’d made things so he wouldn’t need to do any but I bet he thought “you know, I bet it will really make her happy that I do this laundry while she’s gone.” And the fact that it got out of the dryer at all and into drawers? I personally think that’s sweet of him. I am notorious for not remembering where in the heck anything is supposed to go but I would hope that my effort would count for something. Truly, this is my thinking.
And the lamp thing. The kids were probably driving him mad. Mad I tell you. He found a way to put a stop to it. I bet you’ve found a way to put a stop to something that has confounded your husband.
Anyway, just my two cents. I was really pretty surprised by all the comments. -Monica
P.S. Did I mention that I laughed throughout your whole post?
Can’t breathe….. Still laughing over the pull cord.
I mean, really?!
Swistle, I’d be irritated about the pull cord too, but I was more addressing the entire tone of the post, which was pretty hard on Paul, who I think did something pretty nice. Also, I have done things to furniture to make pieces more kid-friendly. Guys just don’t notice the decortive accents like we do, he probably just thought he was kid-proofing.
I suppose I was somewhat surprised by the tone of the post, especially in light of your recent posts about how hard to find it to keep the house tidy… perhaps a reason to empathize with Paul? The comments were all so negative about Paul too, which bothered me, but I know that’s not your fault.
Heidi D – if either parent agrees to do kid-duty 24/7 for a few days while the other goes away, they deserve gratefulness. I’d expect Paul not to be critical if he came back from time away and the house was messy or something that matters to him wasn’t done like normal.
For stay-at-home-moms like Swistle and myself, I think the situation is exacerbated in that we DO do more around the house than our out-working husbands, meaning that they might have more to figure out on full-time home-duty than if both parents worked outside the home and therefore the home care division was normally more spread out.
This post made me feel tired – I face a similar situation when I go away and feel like every homecoming requires an hour of combined nagging and tidying, which is not fun for anybody. I don’t think it’s expecting too much for an intelligent adult to empty the rubbish or pick up a toy disaster.
However, I think that lamp is truly awesome and it’s wonderful that the damage can be remedied.
Every woman can relate to this, which is probably why you are so popular, my dear.
I AM a full-time stay-at-home mom… and have been for over 9 years.
And I agree with you that both parents deserve gratefulness.
you may have to snip off his fingers
OMG. The laundry and the pull cord. The laundry thing would drive me CRAZY wondering if I had found all of the mistakes.