Certain elements of certain kinds of sadness can be a certain amount of…..er. Enjoyable. Not that I’d say so to Paul. Because I am indeed very sad, and don’t want him to think I’m milking it.
There can be a “holiday” or “vacation” feeling to sadness: these are special times and special measures are required. Bakedy things. Candy. Pizza two nights in a row. Not doing the dishes.
There is a certain level of pleasure in making Paul aware of how sad he’s made me, of what a significant “getting his way” moment this is in the timeline of our marriage. I look at him with large, shining, welling eyes. He says, “Oh, honey.” He doesn’t feel bad enough to change his mind, but he feels bad enough to bring home the candy and make the pizza and do the dishes.
There is the tender care of the victorious spouse: I am clearly the defeated spouse, and so he can afford to be generous and gracious and kind. I have had more pattings and hugs and hair-strokings in the last couple of days than in the last year. I am the household invalid. I have wiped my nose on his sleeve. I suspect my Christmas presents will be more abundant this year. There is the feeling that he owes me, that something will need to happen in the future to restore balance.
There is the feeling that anything that makes the sadness feel better is justified and should be tried. Would I feel better if I went on a little outing by myself? Perhaps. Would I feel better if I spent some time on my computer while he played with all the children? It’s worth a try. Would I feel better if we had long discussions about topics normally too boring for him to face? Listen, if it stops the crying for a little while it’s well worth it.
And I’m SO glad we have a Swistmas contest, because it really makes me feel happy to assemble treat boxes. It is great fun, and I highly recommend it if you’re feeling a little low. It’s distracting, and it gives you an excuse to bake.
The winner of the Swistmas package is Mimi All Me, which is even MORE fun because Mimi is currently experiencing a surprise pregnancy, and there are few things in this world I love more than surprise pregnancies. And perhaps if I link to her and fuss over her she will UPDATE more often, because posting on December 3rd that it is the day of the first appointment/ultrasound and then NOT POSTING AGAIN is unacceptable, especially once the suggestion of twins has been dropped into the conversation.
Mimi, I am emailing you this morning so we can talk about food allergies and such.
Tee hee. I am still sorry for your news, but glad of the bakedy things and other bonuses. :)
I’m so sorry for your sadness, but I have to say, you articulated this aspect of marriage just brilliantly. I’ve been working the sadness-as-holiday/vacation scenario for a while now but wouldn’t have come up with those words to express it. Smart girl.
Oh, I can imagine how you’re feeling, Swistle. We’re still in the discussion phase of this very same issue, and I have a feeling I’ll be in the boat with you when it comes to an end, whenever that may be.
I’m happy that the sadness you are feeling is at least a little better for the good things it brings.
Oh, this is so right. It’s a fine line between the vacation and the milking it. And he DID make you sad, and you legitimately ARE sad, and therefore he SHOULD be making it up to you as much as he can. That is RIGHT.
Well, Yay for Mimi, who does need a Swistmas package AND a reason to blog again. :)
And again, I’m so so sorry.
A spa day may also be worth a try…
No way. NO WAY! I cannot. CANNOT. believe that I have won a package from Swistle! I think I can die happily now.
And yes! I will update! I swear. This might be just the kick in the pants that I needed.
Swistle, you are fabulous. And I’m not just sayin’ because I’m the winner (squee!!!) but because you are fabulous every day.
I second what Lawyerish wrote. Swistle, I love your writing.
Congrats to Mimi!
Aww, Swistle! I’m sorry you’re sad . . . but I’m very glad you’re married to such a great guy. He knows without being told that you need pizza and nights off from dishes! Thats a great thing :)
Um, I demand a recount! I’m positive that I won the Swistmas package. You need to recheck your figures, Swistle Dear.
I hope my husband would feel sorry for me, with something that big. It’s nice that he wants you to feel better.
While the getting is good, tell Paul that part of your sadness is just not having anything “big” to look forward to in 9-10 months. Then, plan yourself something that you can look forward to. I think a room service menu should definitely be in the plan!
I’m still sorry honey.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.. Swistle, I just love you. I do! You are just too good to be true.
I believe what you are dealing with here is some kind of Unilateral Family Planning Card. In manner of Divorce Card.
You told this so well. Play your card. You’re entitled.
Heeeeee! I love it.
I’m so sorry you’re so sad. I think your earrings are adorable though, and luckily this too shall pass in time.
But for now, keep up what you’re doin’. He who puts the nail in the coffin on an idea you fell in love with must suffer some as well. And you must profit from his suffering.
So happy to see someone pestering Mimi about writing! Because I was frankly WORRIED and relieved to see she commented here. (No! I’m not a stalker!)
Also, I’m catching up here from several days of posts, and I just wanted to add my sympathies to the “No” post. It is a sense of mourning, for sure. And like Mairzy said, it’s no use talking yourself out of it. Time WILL help. It will. But I think that feeling will never entirely go away.
*hug*
Brilliant! Why have I never played this card?!
BUT my dh wants one more child and I… don’t… er don’t think I do…
Does this mean HE has the card?! Oh dear.
Ok, you can ignore my question on your last post. There was a conversation. I’m sorry, and yes there’s always a victorious (and hopefully gracious — good Paul) spouse and a sad defeated spouse. You aren’t milking it, but you do need to find a way to make yourself whole. Good luck getting there — and the treat baskets are definitely a great way to try! :)
“I’m sorry your sad” just doesn’t seem to cut it. I feel sorry for your loss of what may have been, the dashed dream, the let down after the hope. Pizza and earings are comforting but hopefully with time you will feel settled with the way things are going to be.