This idea can sound preachy, so I saved it for a Sunday!
I remember learning back in school that people in civilizations we’d consider primitive were perfectly happy with their lives as long as they remained isolated from other cultures. The second they found out that other people were not still digging holes in the dirt to pee in, but were instead choosing which of three household bathrooms to use, they felt unhappy. This concept had a name, which I have forgotten along with all the Latin I took.
I think this same comparative unhappiness thing happens within a culture, and in fact I’d bet cash money that the whole “they were perfectly happy” thing wasn’t exactly true, either: someone surely resented someone else’s larger supply of pretty rocks, or larger mud hut, or whatevs. It certainly happens in our culture, where those of us with one bathroom might look enviously at households with three bathrooms, and where those of us scrubbing those bathrooms might look enviously at people who hire others to do the scrubbing, and where those of us who hire others might look enviously at people who can write the check for it without flinching.
Notice the direction of the unhappiness: comparing UP makes people unhappy. And so here is my tip for today, a Sunday and a perfect day for preaching techniques human beings may or may not be capable of following: compare DOWN. I know, you can’t always do that; neither can I. Most of us can’t avoid wanting more than what we have. I’m sure even Bill Gates wishes he had more of something. It’s perfectly natural to prefer having MORE rather than having LESS.
But when I catch myself doing that, I’ve been attempting to look the other direction. Like, I think of my great-great-great grandparents, and how THEY would have seen my house. Imagine the Ingalls family checking out your running water, central heat, and windows—even if your pipes creak, your furnace is expensive to run, and your windows are drafty. Imagine mud-hut dwellers checking out your floors—even if your floors are a little unfashionable, a little beat-up, maybe a few decades years past replacement date. Imagine anyone from the outhouse era looking at your one single indoor bathroom, even if your bathroom DOES have 1960s aqua fixtures. Even your grandparents (or great-grandparents, if your grandparents were too young for The Great Depression) sure would envy your grocery store and the way you can just throw away the aluminum foil after you use it.
I know! It sounds impossibly preachy. It also sounds a little icky, like I’m saying you should make yourself feel better by looking at people who are worse off than you. Which, er, IS what I’m saying. But it’s not so much “Make yourself feel better by looking at other’s misfortune,” it’s more, “Don’t make yourself feel worse by looking at people who have more, when you are ALSO a person who has more.”
There! /sermon! Let’s have doughnuts and coffee!
Edit: ZOMG, I would DEFINITELY not want this confused with the “It could be worse” school of thought, the one used to make people feel like they can’t complain about anything. For one thing, I LOVE complaining and love reading complaints. For another thing, I think complaining is legitimate even if you are not the person with the #1 Worst Circumstance: that is, I think it is perfectly legitimate to complain about morning sickness, without people telling you the ways in which It Could Be Worse. And for a third thing, I just totally disagree with the whole “It could be worse” philosophy, and consider it completely different from the “Imagine how good this looks to someone else” philosophy, which I use not for truly sucky situations but only when I think I am feeling a little overly sorry for myself for having an unfashionable couch.
Second Edit: I also wouldn’t want this confused with the “it would be better to have less” school of thought, which is worthy but not something I personally live in my own life. That is, I would rather have MORE. I would rather have MORE money, a bigger house, a more recent car, nicer furniture, and better clothes. I use the “Other people would envy ME” philosophy for when I CAN’T have more. It’s to keep me from focusing on being envious of people who DO have more.
It’s very similar to “There for the grace of god go I.” which I try to remind myself of about nine thousand times. With all we want, we are very very lucky.
I do think that one of the KEYS to life is being grateful for what we DO have. Also: being content. Both are easy to read but hard to practice.
Also, it’s funny that you bring up the Ingalls’- I’ve often thought of what Laura would think if she were to suddenly come back to live- what would she think of our vehicles and interstates and computers and TECHNOLOGY and hot hot showers and our super fast drive through meals. OUR LIVES ARE SO EASY! (Also, what would she think of the tv show that “portrays” her life???)
Mmmmm, I’ll have a donut!
As horrible as this is going to sound, I do this with my weight loss. I used to be 300 pounds and as I lost it, I would look at other women who were still large but smaller than me and wish I looked like them. But then I’d see women larger than me and think that *I* was the one THEY were looking at wishing they could be.
And that made me feel good.
Go on, tell me I’m a daft cow.
So true Swistle! One of my fave lines from Sheryl Crow’s Soak Up The Sun song is “It’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got.”
I was feeling guilty about not making it to church today, so thanks for the sermon! HA!!!! And Cdn thanksgiving is just next week so you are just appropriate on all sides today.
I do this a lot with my husband, who fusses frequently about our finances. I remind him of what percentage of the world would love to be in the same position. It doesn’t usually help him, but it always makes me feel better.
i like that theory. thanks for the sunday “sermon” :)
I so agree with this. Also, those at the top who can write the check for hired help without flinching oftentimes wish they were not so removed from the rest of humanity. The grass is always greener – you can never win unless you’re happy with exactly what you’ve got and only wish to make your life better in nonmaterialistic ways. I don’t know many of us that can do that!
This theory also holds true for blogging – sometimes comparing yourself to others can make you feel pretty crappy about your life or writing ability. I know it’s “the human condition” but I wish it was easier to control.
Geez…that was quite the ramble on this Sunday morn.
Most effective of all, I find, is when I can use myself (say, ten years ago) as the shocked and admiring bystander. I have to pick the era carefully, though – it has to be after I stopped blithely assuming I’d always enjoy the same lifestyle as my parents, and before things started falling into place job-wise (fortunately, that era embraces most of my twenties and thirties).
I don’t know the Latin term, but here’s some further reading…
Social Comparison Theory
Although my husband and I spend FAR more time lamenting the things we don’t have, we do occasionally take the time to reminisce: “Remember when we would save up just to go to McDonald’s? When we couldn’t afford to paint the kitchen? When both of our cars were beat up old hand-me-downs from our parents?” Then we feel a little better.
Anyway, I just mean that sometimes we don’t even have to look to past generations to appreciate what we have now!
It never hurts to be reminded of what we know and how fortunate and lucky we are. Thanks for the reminder.
Very well said.
Thank you.
I was just fretting today that our house is too small to have another child in, and wondering what will we do because we both cannot sell this house in this market and really want to have another baby. My mother agreed, which first had me more worried, but then I got to thinking: she raised two kids in a house smaller than this. Hell, we lived in a trailer. Fretting over.
You honestly couldn’t have picked a better day to say this. Funny you brought up about the bathroom with the aqua fixtures – ours is robin’s egg blue, but I just got finished painting the walls from a stark, hideous white to a nice calm “khaki” and I feel better already.
I so do this! I do this a lot. I think as a history major in university, I just kept thinking of those in the past, so I often remind myself of the amazing things I have that people who lived “back then” (whatever time period I’m thinking of at the time) didn’t have.
Also: When the world is in turmoil, I often compare back to other times in history when similar events have happened, and I think of how people made it through those times successfully. Everything is in cycles!
Great post!
Somebody out there has 1960s aqua fixtures? Really? I love my house but I’m a teensy bit jealous of cool vintage fixtures….
I totally hear you. We are at the tale end of a remodel and I have lived way DOWN for 8 weeks. I am really trying to not say, “well, I would have liked that, but it was too expensive” or something like that. I am trying to go to Target and say do I need MORE stuff? I am in the middle of a “re-entry into my kitchen” purge. It really does feel good to downsize (even if it is minor in the big picture)
It’s a good reminder. Sometimes though, things can really SUCK. Although it’s true they can always suck more.
FWIW, Laura Ingalls Wilder (and her daughter Rose, who was a founder of the Libertarian Party) wrote her books in part as a protest against everyone’s “complaints” during the Great Depression. Rose in particular was aghast at the idea that government would get involved to save people, and edited her mother’s books (especially vigorously in the earlier ones) to emphasize how much “better” life had been when people depended “only on themselves” and made do with “very little.”
This is just the second time this week I’ve read someone compare today’s culture to the Pioneer Days of the Ingalls Family, and it makes me a little crazy — not because it’s not worthwhile, but because Laura wrote the way she did for particular purposes. She WANTED us to feel bad about our extravagant consumption and foolish reliance on the government to help us over our bad patches.
In the GREAT DEPRESSION. Makes you wonder how much she spins in her grave these days, no?
Hear, hear! And I’ll officially stop complaining about our rose tiled with black and white check tile floors master bath. At least for today ;) It is all about the attitude, and I’m quite content when I think about it!
I actually read the Little House books recently, and thought the same thing. And THEN I read the Kristin Lavransdatter books, which are set in fourteenth century Norway, and I really realized how good we have it. The Middle Ages were grim.
Seriously, though, I appreciate this concept and it works in pretty much every area of my life. When I’m feeling worn down by my daughter’s not sleeping, it does me good to think about a family we know with a daughter the same age (almost two) who has cancer. It’s not rejoicing in their suffering – it’s remembering what a blessing it is to have a healthy child. So, yeah. Compare Down. It works.
Yes, yes and yes. I’ve been spending a lot of time reading aout Darfur and the Congo, and it’s been giving me a REAL reality check. More locally, we have a few friends who are always perpetually on the edge, and it makes me grateful for what we have every day. I should be more so, though. And, with these thoughts, come the desire to Do Something About It, but the vastness of Everything is so… VAST, and I feel so small, that I get stymied easily.
Erin- TOTALLY. I mean this more for “we have only one bathroom” type suckage, not for True Suckage. I HATE it when people make the “it could be worse” point about genuine complaints. I use it only when I think I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself for having an unfashionable couch.
Jody- I still find it useful to think of them, not as a True Representation of Better Times (my grandparents managed to wax nostalgic for how much better people were during The Great Depression, too, so I know how stuff like that gets twisted), but just to put things like my unfashionable couch into perspective. Because in fact I think of them as much WORSE times, so if Rose/Laura was trying to make me feel guilty, she/she failed: I feel only RELIEF that things are different now.
Yes, yes. I totally get it. I also think that there’s a little bit of gratitude for what I HAVE, which can undercut any resentment for what I DON’T have.
I mean, I remember someone talking about how if you’re expecting pasta with 5 meatballs and you only get 4 meatballs and you spend your whole dinner bitter and miserable about that one missing meatball, you don’t enjoy the perfectly good plate that’s in front of you.
I think it’s a good analogy. I like the idea of looking at the whole picture.
I am also kind of envious of your bathroom fixtures lol. I’ll trade ya… character is a good thing!
Sometimes I wonder if I’d be so baby-feverish if I wasn’t constantly talking to other people on msg boards and seeing the constant influx of newborns. Though I’ve always had my “number” in my head but why does it have to cause me so much damned angst?
I’ve noticed that I’ll spend years pining for something…like new living room furniture. I’m jealous of everyone with nice LR furniture. Then, one day I get my own. Then, INSTANTLY I find myself pining for the next thing. New floors, or new refrigerator, etc. It is never enough. And that is sad. I need to remember that I already have enough/a lot and that all that other crap really doesn’t matter!
We call this equity theory in the very small world of academic business research…people can be completely satisfied with their salary and job responsibilities…UNTIL they find out the someone else is making more for the same/less work.
Good post! I was more of a Sunday whiner than a Sunday preacher…
Oh! One more coping technique…I have started picturing that new “thing” that I want to buy at Target a few years down the line in a yard sale. It totally keeps me from buying it! Because I just KNOW that cool plastic bowl is going to be in the yard sale/Goodwill pile very soon. So why buy it?
I love you for writing this AND for noting that it’s a totally different school of thought from the “it could be worse” routine which really sticks in my craw. You are right, right, right.
What a great reminder to be grateful for my MANY blessings instead of bemoaning the hard (or even just the inconvenient) things of life. :)
good point. good good good point. i keep getting stressed about finances, but then i have to stop and take a step back: just 6 years ago, i was in a place 1/3 the size of my current apartment, with no car, saving up to buy ramen. i have the LUXURY of having to stress about my way more expensive place :-)
thanks for the refreshing outlook.
This is such a timely post for me. I have just been stewing over where on earth we’re going to stash another child, when we do decide to try again, because we are clearly not moving in the immediate future unless someone knocks on our door begging to buy our house. Two kids would have to share a (smallish) bedroom! Our eat in kitchen would get even more cramped! ONLY ONE BATHROOM! Clearly we HAVE to put off our desires for a bigger family because, OMG, not enough square footage!
*hanging head sheepishly as I remember that my parents raised three of us in 1200 squ. ft.*
Well said, Swistle, well said.
Contentment with what you have is a daily struggle. I repeat in my head that it’s not the THINGS. The THINGS can disappear at any moment and I’d be ok. It’s my people. My family and friends. THose are what I need to focus on.
It makes the kool-aid stains on the carpet a whole lot easier to stomach.
When my husband and I graduated from college we were all about the more more, bigger bigger. We bought a 5 bedroom house….for the two of us…at the age of 24 just because we could. We ultimately decided that while we had a lot of stuff, we really weren’t that happy. After Sept 11 my husband kept bringing up the idea of joining the Marine Corps and eventually I gave in. We took an 80% pay cut, now live overseas in an 1100 square foot “cement bungalow” and have never looked back. I actually find that more than anything, having less is so much more FREEING.
We just had a baby 4 days ago and she turned out smaller than her brother (10lb 6oz vs her 7lb 14oz) and determined that 0-3 month clothes were way too huge. I went to buy her some newborn stuff and living overseas and shopping on base choices are extremely limited. I was thinking about this post today as I had one option of onesies to pick from. In the US I could go to any number of stores and have hundreds of choices. Here I have one. She has one pack of Gerber onesies and I like that life is just so much simpler this way. Having so many choices and options isnt always a good thing in life.
I think this is the reason why my sister and I are so different even though we were raised by the same people in the same place.
She always sees what she doesn’t have. When her friends buy so and so then she needs so and so. She has a huge house filled to the brim with things and she is always wondering about the things that she doesn’t have and what can she buy next. She sees how others are happy and wonders why she isn’t happy in the same ways they are and then she is sad.
I live in the tiniest place possible and haven’t bought THINGS in a really long time. I remember hearing about how my father’s family used an outhouse until he was twelve and how my mother’s family were all crammed into such a small place that her and my uncle used to argue over who had to sleep on the porch at night. So I feel happy to have a roof over my head, food to eat, and don’t stress about the other stuff.
I think about this, sometimes. Not so much about people in the past being able to see my house, but what about people in other countries that are living in little one-room huts with dirt floors? I think they would think that my four bedroom, two-and-a-half bath home was pretty impressive! Even though the kitchen floor is yucky linoleum and one of the bathroom is a particularly hidious shade of purple. It makes me very thankful for what I have. :o)
all good points but an all-caps YES to the edit. i hate “it could be worse” especially but either of these sentiments could be gaggy when doled out by someone else about my life.
not that this post is gaggy – i’m just saying that it’s easier to come to this comparison place on your own than having someone (*cough*my mom*cough*) tell you about how lucky you are instead of just commiserating. :)
Jen- AGREE. I use this ONLY for cheering my own brain, and would NEVER tell ANYONE ELSE to…oh. Oops.
no no no…i think everyone knows this post was really about your couch. :D
I hate the “could be worse” school of thought, which my own mother points out to me all the time. Good edit! Though, I didn’t confuse the two to begin with it’s a nice clarification.
Ok, so like, I HATE my unfashionable couch- BUT it’s better than having to sit on the dirt floor of a mud hut! Hmm, I feel marginally better! THX!
A friend of mine uses this concept the wrong way. She looks at her salary, compares it to the salary of her co-worker, and then says(honest to God, she really said this!), “Why don’t I feel richer than so-and-so? They just bought new cars and I can’t.” It really galled me when she said that, because (at that time), I made *considerably* less than she did, and I know she compared herself to me, too. She probably felt quite superior to me, but what she didn’t realize is that my husband and I were much happier than she and her husband. I love your point, Swistle, and I agree that it can be a great way to help yourself appreciate the nice things that you have. Just wanted to say that it can be misused.
Jeninicide- See? It’s like MAGIC! Also, scorpions could be biting you! In your outhouse! While your dad wards off bears with a shotgun!
Shelly- Totally agree! We should add a warning label: “Do Not Use For Evil.” That co-worker wasn’t really using it at all, in fact. Using it would have been saying, “We are so lucky to have cars at all.” She’s using a concept called “How come she got married before me? I’m WAY prettier!”
This is a super post! Everyone is always trying to “trade up.” I actually do this — I think about say, Ben Franklin or my great-x3 grandmother popping up and how amazed they’d be! Hell most of my current living relatives are probably amazed by my house, truth be told. And yes, it sucks to scrub those bathrooms and it sucks to write the check for someone else to do it.
I’ve been wondering about trading down for a change. Maybe that will become popular now and we can all be competing to see who can live the most simple life.
Nah. This is America. Won’t happen.
I saw the movie “Monster” when I was really not happy in my low-paying, tedious job. I don’t know if you’ve seen that movie, but it is hard to watch.
Afterwards, even though the movie was so, so depressing, I thought: My life ROCKS! My job ROCKS! I’m so LUCKY!
You know. In case you wanted further illustrations of the point you’ve already made.
I don’t think this is confusing at all. I think it makes perfect sense, and I’m going to try it.
What a great post. You should make Sunday your official Non-Sermon posting day. I will make a habit out of eating doughnuts while I read, NO NEED TO TWIST MY ARM!
Exactly how I have survived the past year. Seriously.
Okay, I’m obviously coming late to this conversation — oops! The edits crack me up.
I think this is important to keep in mind. Matt is about five-ten years younger than most of his colleagues at work, couple that with the fact that most of them are two income families and we end up in an entirely different tax bracket. I have to constantly remind myself not to compare to what they have/do. It makes me crazy. For all I know we’ll be living a similar lifestyle in ten years!
It helps me to remember that for about ten years a close friend of mine lived in a tiny apartment with a bed, papasan chair, card table and folding chair, and a black and white tv on a milk crate – that was all the furniture she owned. When I’m feeling whiny about driving my old car or our dumpy furniture, I think of her previous circumstances. It helps!