We don’t do “friend parties” in our family. We invite my parents over for presents and cake, but that’s it. We tried a friend party when Rob turned 5, and it was so unpleasant I don’t know if we’ll ever do it again. MAYBE when the kids turn 10 or some other special birthday. Maybe.
Occasionally Rob or William will get invited to a classmate’s party. They go. They have a nice time. Everyone knows that “not everyone gets invited to every party,” so I don’t worry that we don’t reciprocate by inviting that child to a birthday party.
But ONE family invites William every single year. The birthday boy is someone William went to preschool and kindergarten with, and we see the family every year at the pool for swimming lessons. This is the situation that’s starting to make me feel uncomfortable. Year after year, William goes to this other child’s party, but we never invite that child to a party of William’s.
We don’t know the parents well enough for them to know we don’t have friend parties, and it’s awkward to drop it into the kind of small-talk conversations we have with them. One thing I’ve considered doing is asking the mom for some advice about friend parties, and then explaining by saying we’ve never done one. That would ease my mind a little: I don’t want her to think we have any reason for not inviting her son.
In the meantime, what we’ve done is send a good present. I spend about half again what I would usually spend.
I’ve wondered, though, if this year we ought to decline the invitation? I don’t know if they might be asking us because they feel obligated (their son always asks William at the pool if he can come to the party), and if they’d be relieved if we declined? Or if declining would be like saying, “Not only don’t we invite your son, we also don’t let our son go to your son’s party.” Plus, the one time we DID throw a friend party, I was wringing my hands over the possibility that people wouldn’t want to come.
The other child’s birthday is coming up, so I’m facing the usual decision.
Oh, man. I can totally WAIT for stuff like this.
I don’t think I’d decline the invite. I’d slip it in, just like you said, into a conversation. That way, she’ll know that it’s not just her son.
In the meantime, I’m sure they appreciate the very nice gifts!
Don’t decline. Obviously they enjoy having your son there, or they wouldn’t keep inviting him. I would also say they probably aren’t offended either, especially since he keeps getting invited back.
You can slip it into a conversation or even say something as you accept, “It’s so nice of you to keep inviting my son even though we don’t have our own parties to reciprocate.”
I definitely wouldn’t decline. The kids don’t know that much about the whole reciprocity thing at that age, and there’s no need to confuse them by not letting William go to a party that he’s always gone to in the past. I think slipping it into casual conversation is the way to go. Or just say it outright. You know, “It’s so nice of you to always invite our son! I feel bad that we never have friend parties so we can’t return the favor. Maybe we could have him your son over in the afternoon sometime to play with William instead?”
Definitely do go! I’m sure the mom doesn’t expect an invite because a lot of people have family-only parties. Be sure to tell her that you appreciate the invitation and that William really enjoys playing with her son. And I’m sure she appreciates the nice gifts, too!
Having a big Kid Party is a lot of work and not every one is up to it. I’m sure I wouldn’t expect it from people. If you would like, you could invite her and her son over some day so that the boys can play, in lieu of throwing an all-out party, if it makes you feel better.
Kid parties are hard. There is, I think, the expectation that if your child is invited to a party, that you must reciprocate. You are saving yourself that by only having family parties, which is a great way to go. I say send William, as long as he enjoys going, and definitely let them know that you only have family parties. I agree with the other commentors that the parents probably understand that you aren’t ignoring their child. Good luck.
From a mom who throws pretty big friend parties, I say definitely GO to the party! I throw the parties mainly because I LOVE to plan them and set them up. Yes, it is a lot of work, but it’s one of my guilty pleasures. I invite people because I WANT them to come and have a good time. I have no expectations of others reciprocating. It’s not about that at all.
If you want to say something to the other mom, how about this? “You are so brave to host such a big party. I barely have the courage to invite my own family!” That way you are complimenting her while letting her know that you don’t have friend parties.
From a mom who throws pretty big friend parties, I say definitely GO to the party! I throw the parties mainly because I LOVE to plan them and set them up. Yes, it is a lot of work, but it’s one of my guilty pleasures. I invite people because I WANT them to come and have a good time. I have no expectations of others reciprocating. It’s not about that at all.
If you want to say something to the other mom, how about this? “You are so brave to host such a big party. I barely have the courage to invite my own family!” That way you are complimenting her while letting her know that you don’t have friend parties.
From a mom who throws pretty big friend parties, I say definitely GO to the party! I throw the parties mainly because I LOVE to plan them and set them up. Yes, it is a lot of work, but it’s one of my guilty pleasures. I invite people because I WANT them to come and have a good time. I have no expectations of others reciprocating. It’s not about that at all.
If you want to say something to the other mom, how about this? “You are so brave to host such a big party. I barely have the courage to invite my own family!” That way you are complimenting her while letting her know that you don’t have friend parties.
Don’t decline, I’m with everyone else. When it is my son’s birthday I want as many people to show up as I can get, without *expecting* them to return the favor (hey, it saves me the price of a gift if they don’t invite him. Sounds tacky, but uh, going to parties all the time can get pricey).
We are not doing a friend birthday this year, except for a few friends that he’s known since he was teensy weensy. I normally love planning these things, but this year I’m looking forward to it being a special day with the people closest to him. Now you’ve got me wondering if people are going to think we didn’t want to invite them.
I would definitely let him go. You are doing exactly what etiquette requires of you – you respond to the invite either way and you bring a gift. And I’m sure William remembers to thank them for inviting him. Or you remember for him. If he wants to go and you don’t mind him going, there is no reason to say no, I don’t think.
And I agree with the other comments about casually bringing up the party situation. It’ll make you feel better that you’ve explained yourself even though you have no need to. But once you do that, I think you’ll stop worrying about it.
I do not think you should decline for the sake of the other family. If William is invited, it is because the other boy wants him there. AND I don’t think you need to feel obligated to spend more on the present. My uncomfortable birthday issues always surround reciprocating in the same dollar range for a child that has given the Things gifts. I try to make sure I spend about the same amount of money. You don’t have friend parties so they are actually not spending money on William. If anything, I bet they might feel a little bit guilty about that. Needlessly of course, but still, we all have the crazy in our heads.
I think that it is a great idea to ask how she does it when William is next invited to the party. It might spark a fun conversation with someone who becomes a good friend. It might give you some ideas for trying the friend party yourself without suicidal thoughts. It also might give you nightmares as she tells you stories about children setting fires and all. In any event, I think it will ease your stress about it.
Good luck!
I’m with everyone too- let him go to the birthday party!- they invited him (again and again each year), the boys have fun together, and he enjoys going.
I like Jess’s (sp?) idea of inviting the birthday boy over for a play date.
You could bring it up by asking the mom what her son would like for his birthday and casually mention that since you only have family parties, you didn’t want to the birthday boy to get duplicate gifts. Or ask if there’s anything you can bring.
I think most moms understand and as long as you’re nice to her kid, your kids get along, you’re not a psycho (you’re not)- you’re okay. Plus, who can pass up birthday cake? Not me!
When you rsvp YES, include how you’re impressed that they do a party every year, that you never have, blah blah blah. The blah blah blah part will really touch her.
I agree with 1hot&tiredmama: they hold the party because they enjoy throwing them. Don’t decline because you don’t have similar parties. It may be that the boy has asked William about his birthday, and he told them that you don’t have friend parties. Most people realize that these things are really expensive to throw, so not everyone does them. If you are worried about reciprocity, invite the boy over for a playdate when he and William can do some fun project instead. It doesn’t have to be a party situation.
Yes, let him go and do what 1hot&tiredmama said and say something like, “Wow, I am so impressed with your birthday party skills! If we ever start having friend parties for the kids, you’re the woman I’ll call for advice!”
I’m in agreeance with everyone else; if it works with your schedule and William wants to go, then I’d accept the invitation.
Parties aren’t parties without guests, and if you decline because of guilt (rather than a totally legit reason like scheduling conflicts or William really doesn’t want to attend, etc)… it’s not that fair to the child who wants to see his friends at his birthday.
Word typically gets around with kids, so who’s to say that these parents don’t already know you don’t throw Friend Parties? You’d be surprised, they are probably aware of that and don’t feel slighted by you the way you’re worrying they do.
What I think is this: You are a caring, compassionate person who respects and thinks highly of others. But you’re worrying too much here. Remember – if that other mother was really holding a grudge thinking you never reciprocate an invitation, she’d probably stop inviting William altogether. Petty people demonstrate petty actions, typically. So it’s safe to assume she’s not concerned in any great way, if at all.
I also agree with the other points made. She saves money by not having to purchase a birthday gift, I think most mother’s would appreciate that! And if you would like to reciprocate, the play date idea is fantastic.
Let him go. Clearly the other boy likes William and wants him at his party. Don’t deny the other boy that pleasure.
I WISH we had never gotten started on the whole friend birthday party thing. I’m in awe of your fortitude to resist. Well done Swistle!
I agree with everyone else. Let him go, and casually mention how you never have friend parties, using one of the many techniques already described. (I was going to come up with my own, but you already have about 5 different excellent suggestions on how to slip it into conversation, and I like them all.)
You guys are making me feel SOOOOO much better. Natalie–Ha ha! I’m pretty sure I’m the only crazy person worrying about it!
Steph the Wonder Worrier- I think that when an official Wonder Worrier tells me I am worrying too much, I am indeed worrying too much. I am going to try to stop RIGHT NOW. Instead, I will think about which present to buy the child this year. I LOVE shopping for presents.
Oh yes! Let him go. I am betting if the other parent knows you have five kids, she might already have figured out that you don’t do friend parties, you know?
I was only going to say what everyone else already said and I think you are convinced by now, so instead I will say that friend parties can be a totally fun way to get your geek on. Please witness Cassidy’s 12th Birthday at Hogwarts.
http://euqort.livejournal.com/122943.html#cutid1
Tonie
Hmmm…hey Swistle…I was just thinking if I had 5 children I might surrepititiously do a little educating on the exponential increase in the expense of throwing one vs. throwing five “friends” parties each year. That doesn’t even account for the exponential increase in exhaustion of the main party thrower. Gosh, I’m tired just thinking about how much work that would be ;-) -Monica
Swistle- this birthday party stuff totally FREAKS ME OUT. My son is only 6 months old but already I am fretting after the days when I will have to worry about it.
However, I do agree with what most other people are saying in the comments and definitely let Rob go if he wants to go. They would not keep inviting him if they did not want him there.
I am sure you are probably just overthinking it… I would be doing the same thing though.!! Gah!
I think you’re overthinking it, but maybe I’m wrong. I wouldn’t decline the invitation, especially if William likes this boy. If you really feel like it’s becoming awkward, I’d ust try to drop it into conversation, as you suggested you might.
Bud’s BFF Emma has invited him to her birthday party every year since they were 2. We don’t really do the friend party, and he usually has 2 small family parties, being a January baby. We have gotten closer with this family over the last few years though, and they have attended Lucy’s parties.
Anyway, I don’t think it’s a big deal is what the overall jist of this comment should be.
I wouldn’t decline. I’d use the fact that the kid always asks William if he could come to the party – have William tell him that you don’t have parties. The kid will probably relay this to the parents. If not, it’ll become obvious soon enough when there are no other kids talking about going to William’s party.
I’m freaking HATING this anon crap.
I don’t think it’s a big deal either. Let him go, and forget about it. The parents probably don’t even notice that he doesn’t have parties every year. I wouldnt’.
It occurs to me that what seems to offend the most when someone isn’t invited to something is knowing the event is going on without said non-invitee. If you’re not having a party, you have nothing to invite the other child to, thus very little to offend/hurt the feelings of his parents.
I have to agree with another poster that despite not being close friends with this little boy’s parents, they may already know you don’t do friend parties and continue to invite William anyway.
I’m glad to see from your above comment that you have considered you may be overthinking and are off to buy a fun present. Shopping always helps!
I’d let him go. In fact, when I called to RSVP I’d just say something like this, “My son always has such a fun time at your parties. I wish I was such a great party planner. The one year we tried to have a birthday party it was so awful that I’ve never done it again. I don’t know how you do it.” Then it’s a compliment and explanation, at the same time as NOT asking advice. I know I’d start feeling guilty for not following up on her tips on how to have a good friend party!
(This gave me an error the first time I posted, so hopefully this won’t be a repeat.)
I say go to the party. Who cares what they think? One of our very close friends has family-only parties and I see her flickr stream to prove that only the grandparents attended.
You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. If your kids have fun at the party, let them go, sans explantion or apologies.
Just slipping it into the conversation seems like the easiest way to handle it. That way if the other mother is concerned/bothered she’ll have an explanation and if she’s not then you haven’t brought up an uncomfortable conversation.
Such great advice here. You’ve made me much less guilty over choosing a family-only party plan myself, because I’m with you – I’d be okay if we NEVER do friend parties. Or maybe very, very small friend parties. But those are pretty impossible to keep small, aren’t they? I think we’ll definitely have family-only parties for as long as possible. I just don’t enjoy all that party craziness, but I do enjoy all of my family celebrating together.
So, do your older kids ASK to have friend parties? I’d be interested how you explain that to them in a gentle, loving way, other than, “DO YOU WANT TO DRIVE YOUR MOTHER INSANE?”
Ditto on bringing it up casually in conversation. I also like the idea of inviting the boy over to play. My daughter is turning 6 this week and we’re having a small party at a little cooking store with 6 of her little girlfriends. Small and simple plus I don’t have to clean my house!
ha, i’m too late to say anything but “i agree with everyone else!” but, for the record, i DO. :-)
Don’t decline. If they were insulted, they would stop inviting you.
We never had friend parties when we were kids because my mom strategically had her kids to avoid them. Our birthdays are July 3 (too close to the 4th, no party), Sept 5 (if it’s not during the week, then it’s Labor Day weekend, no party), and August 17 (dead middle of summer, no party).
For my part I had Gabriel at the end of January, when you can’t do outdoors because there’s no accounting for the weather, and I refuse to have multiple small children running wild through my apartment, and I’m too poor to pay for a venue. People seem generally understanding.
I think it’s pretty common NOT to have birthday parties, so I wouldn’t sweat it.
So basically you’re thinking you shouldn’t go and let him take a gift because you aren’t asking him to bring a gift to your son? Seems like the other kid has it easy – invite people who won’t expect you to reciprocate. :) I wouldn’t worry about it!
Sam- They do sometimes ask. I usually say, “Oh! We don’t usually do friend parties in our family. What do you have in mind?” Then we have an interesting conversation about what they DO have in mind. Then I usually say that if we spend money on a party, we’ll have less to spend on presents. If that doesn’t do it, I say, “Maybe when you’re 10.”
I don’t think it deserves that much thought, personally (I hope that doesn’t sound snarky). If William wants to go to the party I would let him. The parents are probably thinking “What a great deal this is! Our son gets a gift and we never have to buy William a gift!” But I would doubt they are thinking much about any of it. Maybe this other boy will ask William why he never gets invited to his parties and William can tell him you all don’t have parties.
If the family gave your son an invitation at the pool because the birthday boy *wants* your son there, that is a more legitimate invitation than those given out to his entire class, imo. Let your boy go and party down! :-D
I don’t give a second thought to the invitations we *don’t* get. I know not all families do the big party thing.
I say good for you. I am unfortunately not a Mom, nor will I be unless I marry someone who has kids already and even then it will be kids past this age.
BUT, I have 3 Godchildren, 2 of whom are my twin niece and nephew. I find the parties to be exhausting and wonder what in the heck my best friend and my sister are thinking. I am talking all out events that resemble huge events. THOUSANDS of dollars spent. And that was plural.
My best friend has an only child which she uses an excuse, but darn, they have a pool and 4 acres of property which includes a huge pond and chickens! Thats a party all in itself! Why does she need the jumping thingies, the entertainers, the bands, the caterers? These are 3rd graders who would be more than satisfied with just the pool and pizza and chasing chickens.
Oh, sorry, forgot to mention the pool. Pool AND pond lol. So there is frog catching AND swimming in clear water. His first birthday party blew my mind. I was like, ughmm, he is ONE. He isnt going to remember this.
Go go go! The birthday parties are about the kids having fun with their friends not about who’s reciprocating whom. If the mom has an issue with it, it’s still about her son who wants YOUR son there, not about the mom.
And I’m anti-you, apparently. I usually have 20+ kids (plus parents, siblings…)
I wouldn’t decline. Obviously, they enjoy having William there, or at least their son enjoys having him there since he asks him outright if he’ll be able to come.
I wouldn’t worry too much about this issue. At the end of the day, it’s just a kid’s party! I wouldn’t deny your son the opportunity to go to another child’s party just because your family doesn’t have big “kid parties”. To each their own! I think if you’re really worried about the other parents thinking they’re snubbed, I’d slip it into a conversation, otherwise, don’t worry about it! It’s probably not even something they think about! I know I don’t think about us being invited to birthday parties!
If we get invited and are able to attend we do! If C wants to invite someone to his party, he can!
Don’t sweat it! Birthdays are supposed to be about fun…no matter how you celebrate!
We rarely had friend parties. Maybe in kindergarten, and my sister threw me a surprise party when I turned 18. As we got older we were allowed to pick a friend or two to do something special and maybe sleepover.
I would say yes to the party and try not to worry too much about not reciprocating. I think some of the other comments about ways to offhandedly let the other mother know that you don’t do friend parties would be fine, but she’s probably not worried about it. Her son likely knows that you just don’t do that because kids talk and he’d probably have told his parents if he was being left out of something.
Ugh, I am dreading the whole birthday thing. My 3 year old is pretty introverted and doesn’t yet like even his own birthday parties so we haven’t had to deal with it yet. But he is getting more and more outgoing, drat! So I can see it coming…. I will be waiting for your good example to follow!
I think they invite William because he and his friend enjoy being together and obviously the family isn’t offended – or too offended — that their aren’t reciprocal parties.
I would only ask how to handle friend parties if you really intend to have one, though.
Maybe William and the other little one can have a very special play date around the time of William’s birthday?
You are so thoughtful.
i hear ya about not having friend parties… so far i have totally lucked out with my 6 year old. his birthday is january 21… right after christmas. we are still trying to take down our tree and all the xmas decorations when his birthday hits. i have never yet done a friend party… just family. he hasn’t really been all that interested in a friend party… and until he begs for one, i’m sticking to the family party! with his cousins there, there is NO NEED for more kids! as for other kids birthday parties… i say if he wants to go, let him go. if he is not especially begging to go, skip it… RELAX!!! don’t fret the small stuff!
Keep in mind there are all different ways to have a party, it’s ok to do things your way.
Sometimes we have very small parties, sometimes we have large ones. I try to keep them mostly low key. The worst parties are always the ones that you stress out over too much.
I have blogged a little about birthday parties… if you are interested!
http://www.thisexaminedlife.com/best-birthday-ever-for-7-year-old-c/
Let him go, I would. Think of it this way, you’re doing the other lady and her son a favor two ways. First the boy’s getting another gift, how awesome. Second, they don’t have to buy William anything in return. Double yay!
YOU are just way too sweet to worry about all of this. I’ll tell you this…I always had “friend” parties for my kids…I always invited 10 and expected 5 and I never gave a second thought to whether the people had invited me to their kids parties or not. It was about who my child wanted at the party, not about who I wanted or who had invited them. So, don’t worry about this one.
I think I would go and just bite the bullet and say to the mom – “You’re probably wondering why you’ve never been invited to one of his parties – we don’t have them…”