Hi! And welcome to TMI Weekend! I’d like to remind Paul and my parents that they have agreed promised solemnly sworn sworn a sacred vow promised not to read any posts I haven’t authorized them to read. I do not authorize this one, nor should ANYONE who knows me in person read it. Go back! Seriously! Don’t read it! I mean it! Go away!
In a recent unpleasant talk with Paul about our sex life, I agreed it was a reasonable request that I be more tactful in turning down physical affection. I agreed it was reasonable that I allow hugs and kisses–even gropings–to occur without assuming they were preliminaries to larger moves. I agreed that my natural inclination to swat wildly at invading hands while yelling, “OH MY GOD YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!” could hurt someone’s feelings.
But do you know what the actual outcome of this discussion was? Apparently I created the impression that I was no longer allowed to say no to physical affection. Last night (tonight, really, but now we’re in the a.m. part) Paul gave me the Modified Silent Treatment (short, distant, “mm”-type answers to remarks; lack of eye contact; palpable silence; lying a different way in bed; not falling asleep within seconds as usual) after I willingly allowed hugs, kisses, and gropings during the day–but then wouldn’t Go All The Way that night.
That is SO DUMB. I mean, the reason I had been turning down the preliminaries is that they always lead to the main event, and so I was nipping things in the bud when I knew I wasn’t interested or willing to pretend to be interested. He said he didn’t want things nipped in the bud, so I said fine. And now he’s mad at me for not saying yes to EVERYTHING. Is this or is this not High School Boy behavior? They take it farther and farther and farther until you say no. It’s exhausting, and it’s GUARANTEED to result in a “no” SOMEWHERE, and so then it’s followed by sulking. Oh, did you try to steal third when the base coach was doing that no-no-no thing with his hands? SO SORRY YOU GOT TAGGED OUT. Next time don’t try to steal third against the signal. Idiot.
Mother Nature in her patchy wisdom has caused me to be absolutely asexual while I’m breastfeeding. Sex is nothing but irritating friction to me right now. Since we’re using condoms and spermicide and KY, it’s MESSY irritating friction. Since I’m up in the night with children, it’s messy irritating friction WHEN I’D RATHER BE SLEEPING. And since this is the way these things go, when I’m thinking, “Okay, let’s get this over with,” it goes on FOREVER.
It doesn’t even do anything for me emotionally. Is there anything more ridiculous than someone else’s sexual passion, if you’re not feeling it yourself? It’s like being around drunk people when you’re sober. Worse: when there seems to be some expectation that you will ACT drunk even when you’re sober, or that in fact the drinking was YOUR OWN IDEA because you are SO THIRSTY. Bleah.
I want my husband to read this.
My boy, too. Not that he ever pouts, or anything. (I’m the luckiest.) But I think it would help him understand, which would be nice for him, because you’re so good with them words.
Oh man, this is good. Happens here too. I don’t so much get the cold shoulder that night, but I hear about it in the morning. Something along the lines of “you were teasing me all day yesterday then I got nothing in bed”. Oh really? Ha! And I’m with you about the new baby/breastfeeding thing. That alone is exhausting. If he would get up every two-three hours at night to feed the child from his body every night, then we’ll talk about it.
Holy crap, you’re having my sex life. I don’t get to post things like that because my family reads my blog and TMI indeed, but you have, as usual, just nailed it.
And WHY do men, or at least mine, want to grab boobs? I am breastfeeding; my boobs are touched out.
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HAHH! I actually read this outloud to my husband. (While singing the Ditto song as loudly as I could in my mind.)
Maternity clothes three months out, post-partum, sleep deprivation, colicky infant, precocious toddler, and breastfeeding– now if that isn’t a pre-cursor for sex I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT IS.
I confess, there were times when I said,”I’ll be right there…” when he went to bed wanting some… and the I would read until he was asleep. Sometimes it worked, but I think he caught on to me and would pretend he was sleeping and go for the pounce aka ‘the sector 7 breach’ once I was under the covers. Oh the things we do.
Here I thought you didn’t know anything about baseball, as per an earlier comment you made on my blog, and yet you made the perfect baseball analogy in this post. I’m impressed.
Jess Loolu- Oh, good, so it worked! I was REEEEEACHING back to elementary school gym class.
One of the reasons I curse my non-anonymous blog is because I can’t write this post myself. Well, a variation thereof. I totally lost all sex drive after my daughter was born. POOF! Gone. It’s been 8.5 months now and I wonder if it’s ever coming back. Luckily (?) my husband lost his, too. We’re pretty much roommates who love each other at this point. There’s very little affection at all. That makes me sad.
Well, I am pretty big on the consent thing and I am not sure whether you need to hear this or not, but maybe someone does.
You never ever ever ever ever EVER ever lose the right to say: No. That’s Enough. I want to stop here. Or any variation thereof. AND you have the right to say that to ANYONE including your husband. AND he has to respect that your body is yours and not solely for his personal use.
Personally, if I were in your shoes, I would want my husband to have been more sensitive after the whole “talk” and showed some physical affection and then purposefully NOT made any further advances. Just to show me that he listened and he was willing to meet me halfway. That in itself would have made me more likely to be interested in more than the casual pat on the behind.
Oh you nailed it this time!! lol!! This is the perfect post for any guy who has a wife who is breastfeeding!
Why do guys have to grope the boobs?? I mean, when you are nursing they are constantly being touched, and you’ve had enough of it!
And why do guys have to think the minute they are allowed to touch you, they are getting it tonight??? I like a little touch here and there but it always seems to send the wrong message. What to do…
Great post!
Do you really think your family does what you ask??? (and not read???)
I don’t have any kids myself, but I have a friend with a four month old whose husband keeps dropping comments and wanting SEX SEX SEX and feeling all deprived, and oh boy is she SICK of it. I am sending her to read your blog! :)
Sex issues are and have long been a source of irritating friction, if you’ll pardon the pun.
I’m really glad you posted this because it reassures me that I am not the only one who feels this way.
Oh and also I think men are just built to need a lot of sex. It’s one way of managing the husband but of course the quid pro quo thing kind of kills any romantic feelings, doesn’t it?
Oh Swistle, how I love you. YOu seem to read my mind.
My husband doesn’t think that he is having enough sex, but the fact that i am pregnant yet again and sick and nursing and taking care of two very small boys is not exactly a recipe for sex.
I mean, isn’t that how I got here in the first place?
I am so with you. Except it pisses me off that I can’t get kisses and snuggles without feeling like I have to give up everything.
I totally hear where you’re coming from. When I was pregnant and breastfeeding I became an expert at alternate means of pleasuring the husband, mainly b/c I discovered that it wasn’t really the passion and intimate connection that he was looking for by having sex–all he really wanted was to get off! While it didn’t completely solve the issue, at least he wasn’t pissed at me all the time.
I totally struggled with the issue, b/c it made me feel a little whorish, giving him pleasure while I required none. I guess if I examined it on a deeper level I might regret my decision. But, all in all, it kept peace in my house. I really figured that it wasn’t fair to husband for me to be asexual for close to two years (because really, I had no sex drive while I was pregnant either!)
Good luck lady!
Oh, amen.
It took my about 18 months after both kids were born to even kind of want any physical action. Any. I would do the requisite once a month, but didn’t want to. And while I was breastfeeding? FORGET about it! If I would let anything happen, he was allowed nowhere NEAR the ta-ta’s. The Hubs didn’t understand, but I told him that they already had a job to do and he wasn’t allowed to touch.
I’m sorry that you had to suffer the silent treatment. That sucks.
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways…
#1 This post.
A-freakin’-men.
Got nothin’ helpful here, just a hear, hear!
Oh hon. I actually hope he DOES read this! I hope you continue to allow the loving touches throughout the day, though. They DO help you to connect emotionally when sex isn’t an option…
THIS is why I read you everyday! I could have written this myself (not as well, mind you).
Anyway, after many a talk like this that resulted in nothing for me and everything for him, we developed a little technique we fondly call the five minute hug. I can spare the five minutes, he gets what he wants (needs??) and the sulking is all but a memory.
can i just tell you how much my husband pouts when i turn him down. poor thing though has had to go like 6 months with out any since i am not allowed to. also, i was giggling the other day because i realized after codi comes we will have to go back to wearing sex with my bra on because you know, the whole hormones trigger leakage issue…hey look no i’m tmi
Swistle. How do you read my mind? Man oh man. You are amazing. And what IS that with mother nature pulling that asexual trick on nursing moms? She could stand to be a little nicer to us, don’t you think?
Also, when I saw the initials TMI, I totally thought this post was about Three Mile Island. Which might not be too far from the truth, with its whole nuclear meltdown potential.
It really is the aftermath clean up that is the big problem. Then you’re thinking the whole time that you have to hold back as to not make a bigger mess that YOU have to clean up.
Men.
Now, tell the truth, Swistle…
Have you been sneaking into my house for the last 3 years??? Because that is SOO my husband and I, it’s creepy.
DITTO.
And I did make my husband read this post.
Once again, Swistle, you have inspired me.
We all need to vent sometimes, and many of us here seem to be lacking a place to do it– because our husbands / partners / family read our blogs.
What if there was a blog where you could become an anonymous blog writer, and post your rants, safely away from the eyes of those you don’t want to share with?
Coming soon… RantHaven.com … for women who heart their DH but sometimes want to smack him silly.
The part about the ridiculous nature of someone else’s sexual passion is SO great.
I was always the sober one in the bar and it is a very. apt. analogy.
lmao.
Giving a big shoutout from lurkdom to say that you SO nailed this one on the head, it scares me. Your post made me ridiculously happy to realize that I was not the only one this happened to and mostly that I’m not crazy! Thank you Swistle, thank you thank you thank you!
Thank you for writing this because we had the same night and I don’t trust my husband not to read my blog. So all I’m going to say is Ditto (minus the breastfeeding and baby thing). Could that guy that wrote I’m just not that into you write a pamphlet to men entitled: She’s not into having sex all the time, deal.
AMEN. What cracks me up is that men think that out there in the world all women LOVE for her man to grope her its just me that’s off. (he says this is how he shows affection). I always show him two hands and say “on one hand is sleep on the other hand is sex…guess which one I’d rather be doing?” (I have a 4 month old too… yawn)
As a lesbian mom I’d have to say this is true for us as well… so it not just the guys who do this…
Aww, I’m sorry to hear you are dealing with this now on top of your MIL and the kids and everything. But like you said about the kids sleeping, it’s hard not to think IT WILL ALWAYS BE THIS WAY!!! But it won’t. It will get better. I hope.
Just think, there’s an upside to your MIL being there! “I can’t have sex when she’s around!”
I know how it goes.. luckily he’s never given me more than good natured ribbing – that is, he’s never pissed me off about it, which I guess is something. And when I agree to just do it and get it over with already, there’s alway “OKAY! You’ve MADE YOUR POINT! Let’s wrap this up!” I’m not mean – just teasing him.
Swistle, YOU ARE THE BEST! I love how you put exactly how I feel into words :) My youngest is 3 years old and I am just now starting to feel slight twinges of sexual desire again. That being said, I think my exhaustion is a turn on for my hubby. Whenever I am dead on my feet is when he *needs* it. sigh….
I swear to God I was just thinking about this topic and whether or not to post on my own blog. I think you and I must be living the same life (except, of course, that I have only 1 child and have been done with breastfeeding for over 6 months now). I love the idea of sex, just not with my husband. Is that bad??? Perhaps one of a few hot hollywood guys would do the trick…
Honey says that Paul should just suck it up and deal. While a woman is breastfeeding nothing on her body is her husbands. Leave the wife alone and wait quietly (or pray) for the breastfeeding to be over with.
Julia & Shoeaddict- EXACTLY!! Why does he think I brush his hands away as if removing bugs? It is because any bug that is allowed to land is a Get In Free coupon for later, EVIDENTLY.
Devan- I wonder how often men think OTHER men are getting it? I think Paul thinks other guys are on an every-other-night schedule.
Coffee Stained Laura & LoriD- Sigh. I guess something like that would help around here, too. The thought fills me with despair.
Pann- AWESOME IDEA. Let me know when it’s up and running, and I’ll mention it in a post.
Paula the Surf Mom- I don’t know if that’s comforting or if it fills me with further despair.
Mom of the Year- HA HA HA!
I would have my husband read this but we’ve already had this exact conversation. As a matter of fact we had this conversation and I saw this three hours later so AMEN to you sister. right there with you . . .
I think we’re looking at another Swistle Classic here.
It’s mostly the sense of entitlement/”need” that makes me want to punch my husband. You have needs? WELL THEN, let’s list the many physical and emotional needs that have gone unmet for ME while I am been carrying, birthing, and nursing your child, shall we?
See Out of Character’s Oct. 6th post. Pillows. One side: Tonight; the other; Not Tonight. She proposes some other ideas too. I told her if she patents it and starts selling, she’ll surely become a millionaire.
Oh, you have a way with words! I don’t think there is any more stressful situation (even serious money issues) than this.
I feel like if men would just leave me alone and quit pestering me at every opportunity then I won’t feel this overwhelming sense of obligation (not quite the right word…) and expectation hanging over me and then! Guess what! I’LL BE IN THE MOOD!
I could…and probably should have written this post word for word. what a great service to women. Helping us all feel so NOT alone.
Thank you for such a great post! :)
It is EXACTLY like being around drunk people when you’re sober. That is a brilliant revelation to me. Thank you!
I hear you.
Loud. And clear.
I’ve learned that breastfeeding + Zoloft = no interest.
But on the rare occasions that I am convinced, I’m always happy I did. It helps when I don’t feel pressured, or like I’m not meeting someone’s expectations.
A little understanding goes a LONG way. That’s what I’m saying.
Laughing my head off! But also shaking it in despair. Men. can’t live with ’em, can’t live without- oh wait… ;)
Hmmm, could I have written this?
Why, yes.
Yes I could.
I’m still trying to forgive him the “well, I’m going to bed” grab-ass incident of the other night. Somehow he thought that my saying good night was an invitation to make free and loose with the fondling.
Right, so next time, when I’m done feeding C at 3am, I’ll grab HIM and see how he likes it.
As is obvious by the 50+ comments, you are, once again, genius. Clearly you have touched a nerve for all of womankind. Thank you for not touching it in a “touch you now b/c I want something later” way.
This happens in my house all the time. In fact, on Saturday, I got “Is it really so bad that after all of these years and two kids that I’m still attracted to my wife? It should make you feel great!”
Oh yes, thank you, king of our house for being attracted to me. ME! I know! I SHOULD FEEL HONORED!!! AND SHOWER YOU WITH SEXUAL FAVORS!!!
Not.going.to.happen.
I totally feel you here and I won’t write about it in my blog because I have family who reads it. On most days I get my fill of human contact from the kids and the last thing I want to think about is someone else laying on top of me.
I wish they could go through what we do for a day or two. I wonder if it would change anything.
Oh, man. I SO understand this feeling. In fact, I recently blogged about it as well. It’s not that I LOVE him any less, it’s just that I don’t want him anywhere NEAR ME. Is that so wrong? Sometimes I feel like if one more person touches me I’m going to LOSE IT!!!
I could have written this post a few years ago when my marriage was falling apart (yeah, I know, totally NOT your situation). My ex would come home from work, stand in the foyer and ask me repeatedly, “Do you want an O tonight?” I would say no, because, I didn’t like him enough anymore, and he wouldn’t stop asking because he wanted ME to ask if HE wanted one. See why we’re not married anymore? Anyway, I totally feel your pain. My current husband is an angel and doesn’t pout at all. These days I’m 14 weeks pregnant and sick and gassy and feel like crap. He’s super nice about it, though. I’m a little nervous about breasfeeding since husby is way into my new, larger boobs.
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Yep. Familiar. Happens even if you don’t breastfeed.
It does get easier when they get a little older and, for example, you can pretty well expect that once they’re in bed they’re in bed for the night.
One thing that did help us was doing the test of what our love language was. He found out mine was almost equally words and gestures, not so much stuff. I love getting new books, but him coming home and saying, “WHOA! you really must have busted ass to get all this done while I was at work!” will go a lot farther toward making me feel loved and appreciated. Whereas for him, physical contact is way higher on the list. So I did a lot more physical touching in situations where it wasn’t going to go elsewhere. I also said that sometimes sexual contact was going to happen and it was going to be him getting there and not me. And once I decided that I wasn’t going to worry about me, I could sort of let it happen and do that for him, and it really paid enough dividends for me to like it and let it go until I was at a point where I could relax and make it about me again too.
Do what you need to to keep some vague life in that part of your marriage, until such time as you are NOT touched out and NOT exhausted, and you two can find each other again.