I Heart Newborns; I No-Smoking-Sign-Around-Heart The Dept Of Vital Records

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I love the newborn stage. I wish there was a way to have more newborns without having to have more children.

Henry’s torso is the size, shape, and approximate heft of a loaf of zucchini bread. His skin is soft and foldy, like a soft elephant’s. His hands and feet are purpley. His legs are skinny. His eyes look like they belong to a woodland creature. He has big wrinkles under his eyes. A newborn-size diaper is big on him, down to his knees. He still likes to have his legs folded up against his tummy. His hair is too, too soft. His mouth pops open if you touch his cheek.

I had my stitch check at the OB’s a couple days ago. He was showing me how he wanted me to take care of the incision, and he was using a huge q-tip dipped in hydrogen peroxide and he was saying, “Really GET IN THERE with it.” And I was like, “Uh huh. Listen: the best I can give you is blind, fearful dabbing.” And when I say “I was like,” what I mean you to understand is that I said nothing of the sort, and in fact I said, “Okay!”

I got the preview copy of the birth certificate in the mail. If there are any errors, I have to bring it in person to the city where Henry was born, to the downtown area of one-way streets and paid parking, and I have to do it within 14 days, and they’re not open on weekends so I have to bring four children with me including two toddlers and a newborn. I was fervently hoping there would be no errors. There is an error. It is such a dumb error: they listed my maiden name as Swistle Middle Maiden Maiden. Just, my maiden name twice. But I have to go tell them in person that that’s not correct, and I have to do it this coming week. Furthermore, I know from experience that when I correct this error, they will claim to be unable to put my current legal name in its current legal form (Swistle Middle Maiden Married), but will claim to be able to do only Swistle Middle Married. I hate them.

25 thoughts on “I Heart Newborns; I No-Smoking-Sign-Around-Heart The Dept Of Vital Records

  1. Mimi

    Oh gosh, I hate them too! That is the last thing you want to do so soon after having a baby. Maybe you can bring your mom or a friend along for help/moral support?

    Henry’s looking awful cute in that picture.

    Reply
  2. Mommy Daisy

    Oh what a little darling! Thanks for that picture. I was thinking all the lovely things about newborns seeing that picture before I even read what you wrote. Those tiny little legs. Aww!

    :P Silly government workers. Just can’t make things easy can they.

    Reply
  3. Devan

    Just look at those tiny little legs! O’s legs started out like that too, just 8 short weeks ago, and now – well we affectionately call him thunder thighs. :)
    Stupid gov’t offices. My state MADE me put Devan Maiden Married names and refused to let me put my middle. WTH?!

    Reply
  4. Karly

    All that middle maiden business sucks! I hate having to go to those city offices and deal with that stuff.

    And I heart your newborn, too. Love those skinny little stick lets!

    Reply
  5. Omaha Mama

    I wish you wouldn’t have to take ALL the kids to the govt office, is there no one to come sit for an hour or three? I’d come if only I weren’t in another country. Good luck getting that fixed. You remind me that I need to order my THIRTEEN months old’s birth certificate. They leave it up to the parents to fill out and send in when they get home. Ha, ha, ha. Brenna was two when we got hers.

    Reply
  6. Julia

    SOOOO cute!! I just love newborns! He reminds me so much of Caleb! (even close in size!)

    Oh man, an error? How could they do that to you??

    Reply
  7. nowheymama

    We had to redo K’s certificate because they put the state of Scott’s birth as Wyoming instead of West Virginia. They even got touchy with us: “You clearly wrote WY, not WV.” Uh, no, we didn’t.

    Reply
  8. Kelli in the Mirror

    Oh, he’s adorable.

    One of my other favorite things about newborns is when they stretch their arms up really far and they almost reach to the top of their head but not quite. Baby proportions are so funny.

    Reply
  9. Marie Green

    I love the newborn stage too! And I wish there was a way to experience it more, without having more children. I have 3 kids, but because 2 of them are twins, I’ve only had that magical time 2x. I know most people wouldn’t understand this, but I feel cheated out of a pregnancy, birth, and newborn-hood. What a precious sweet time. Savor it for me, will you?

    Reply
  10. desperate housewife

    Oh. My. Lord. I want my baby, now, too, please! Aaah, so SWEET! Thanks for the picture.
    You’re so right; their eyes do look like woodland creatures. So deep and dark and mysterious and other-wordly. You can drown in them. Which is lucky, since you spend a lot of freaking time staring into them while you breastfeed!

    Reply
  11. Mommy Brain

    He is so cute! I would also love to have more newborns without actually have more children.

    I can’t believe that about your birth certificate place. Don’t they realize that everyone who gets a birth certificate to correct also, most likely, has a NEWBORN in the house? Good luck.

    And I’ve had the fight with the FirstName Middle Maiden Last thing and it’s NOT fun. The approach that your first and middle are both your first name has worked in the past.

    Reply
  12. jonniker

    His gangly little limbs and poking fingers! I love the description of his eyes-as-woodland-creature. Oh that’s dead on.

    The diaper. HEH. It’s totally down to his knees. Which makes me wonder: does he blow them out often? How does such a baggy diaper contain everything?

    Reply
  13. laura

    Henry is pure beauty. I miss that stage so much!

    I know too well about your name conundrum and it totally sucks that you have to tote all the kids down there for their stupid mistake.

    When I went to change my name at Social Security after getting married, they told me that they didn’t have enough characters in the computer to do First Middle Maiden Last. I was pissed.

    Reply
  14. jen

    ooooh I crave more scrawny chicken legged newborn pics please.

    I saved a few of my daughter’s nb diapers in my end table drawer.. hard to believe those teeny things fit her till she was 2 months old! and she was 1oz short of 9lbs at birth (she was looong and skinny. still is.)

    Reply
  15. Mrs. M

    Name legalities annoy me! First of all I had TWO FREAKING MIDDLE NAMES! Grr! I dropped them both and went for the name maiden married because my maiden name rocks and is oh so nice is a middle name. plus, lots of people call me “name maiden!” for some reason so it would be way weird not to have it. Anyway, my first name is a bit old school. Some MAY consider it cool old school, but me? I’ve lived with it and never loved it (sorry grandmother I was named after!). However I was always called a semi-ok shortened name my whole life. So when I went to change my name after I was married I wanted to be “shortenedname maiden married” but do you know it costs money and you have to go to court? Geesh! I’ll just be live with the explanation part forever I suppose.

    Good luck with the trip.

    Reply
  16. Misty

    Being a “hyphenated American”, we had the same problem. Here in the Deep South, they don’t see that too much. When Ian was born, we practically gave the records lady a nosebleed with our self-elected complications. Oi. Good luck, poor poor Swistle.

    Reply
  17. Monica

    WHOA! Did you make your maiden name your “second middle” name? I’m seriously considering doing that (can’t bear to replace my middle name with my maiden, but also would be sad to completely lose the maiden) but I’m worried it will cause complications whenever I need to get a passport/have a baby/fill out any type of legal document. I’m having a fair amount of anxiety over this.

    Has having four names been a problem for you in general or were birth certificates the only time you really ran into the issue?

    Reply
    1. Swistle Post author

      Yes, that’s what I did. I was tempted to report cheerfully that there have been no troubles at all—but of course there was the problem with the birth certificates, which was annoying. Other than that, though, it’s been extremely minor and infrequent things such as an occasional letter from a charity, addressed as if I had a hyphenated surname. My kids all have the same name structure, and there were a couple of things with the school system at first, like once they put my son’s first and middle name as a double-barrelled first name. That’s pretty much all I can think of.

      Part of the reason it’s been easy, I think, is that I quickly got used to clarifying it on forms: that is, when I fill out my first form with a new organization, I’m careful to squish the two middle names onto the middle name line, or to draw little arrows pointing to the names with “second middle name” and “surname.”

      I also chose early on which middle initial I wanted to be the “default” initial, so that if I’m setting up an account over the phone and they ask for middle initial, I can say it’s two of them, and that if they only have room for one I’d like it to be this one.

      Reply

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