I remember learning in a high school psychology class that the average person can keep about seven things in mind at the same time. Add an eighth and one of the first seven gets knocked out.
I’m reminded of this when Paul seems able to retain only a very small number of household instructions. If I say, “Do not put food down the sink. We do not have a garbage disposal,” he will stop putting food down the sink. If I say, “Please take out the trash when it’s full, rather than standing in the trash can to compress the trash so tightly that it can no longer be removed without ripping the bag,” he will start taking the trash out instead of stomping it. But then if I say, “You can’t just rinse a cup when you’re done drinking out of it and put it in the drying rack, you have to use actual soap and washing motions,” he will wash his cup–and then scrape food off his plate into the sink.
I am not sure I can adequately express how frustrating this has been over the dozen or so years Paul and I have shared a household. It isn’t as if I’m a difficult, controlling person making up complicated, arbitrary rules. I think the things I ask him to do are intuitive, or at least easy to remember once mentioned. I think a normal person should be able to retain the information that if you put sticky brown soda in a cup and then you put your germy mouth on the edge of that cup, a little swish with cold water is not “washing” the cup. I think a normal person should be able to remember that information even if I then add new information, such as that if your shoes track huge clumps of mud down the hallway, you should clean that mud up rather than leaving it there.
But apparently he can’t. Before we were married, I got as far as calling around to find out the cost of studio and 1-bedroom apartments, thinking that probably I shouldn’t stay with a man who was going to drive me so crazy. After we were married but before we had children, I wondered if I should be willing to help him pass on his genes. Post-children, I’ve again and again felt despair, like I’m shackled permanently to someone who would whistle in a clean-conscience way as he peed into a kitchen sink filled with dishes. (In the interest of fairness, I should say that he does not in fact do this. As far as I know. But then again, I didn’t realize until recently that he wasn’t washing his cups.)
There comes a point where it is useless to continue trying to change someone. I think I reached this point ten years ago or more, but I can’t make myself stop trying. It just seems so REASONABLE that he should learn these things, and so UNREASONABLE that I should have to keep mentioning them in my kind and patient and trying-hard-not-to-be-shrill-or-naggy voice.
I SO wish I had the answer to this. I just want it to be unacceptable to men that someone else shouldn’t be expected to pick up after them. I shouldn’t have to clean up after another adult! And the children? They are actually learning to pick up things. Men don’t GET IT.
Perhaps if you listed house rules on the refrigerator, and gave him his own little chart, complete with gold stars when he gets things right? A column for cup washing, a column for proper plate scraping, a column for sweeping up mud clumps… When he gets a week of gold stars, maybe you could come up with a special reward, which I will leave to your imagination to think up.
Ugh..Men!!!!
Woooooooooooord, Swistle. Lately I am having this feeling that if I see ONE MORE CEREAL BOWL festooned with the milky remnants of breakfast and tossed merrily onto the kitchen counter rather than put somewhere reasonable, like say for instance the dishwasher (!!!!!) or even, if that is too difficult (if there is a large rabid dog guarding the dishwasher door, or the door has become very very heavy, or the person in question has suddenly forgotten how dishwashers work) the SINK FOR GOD’S SAKE, I am going to lose. My. Mind.
Ahem. Anyway, I totally agree with you.
I wish I had a solution to this! I guess I have been naggy lately, because yesterday my husband told me I was being “extra mean”. He soon found out that was not the right thing to say to his pregnant and therefore very hormonal wife.
I blame the mothers. Yeah, you heard me. I’m blaming women for this one.
Mothers have a tendency to coddle boys and wait on them. Consequently, they grow up to expect their wives to take care of them.
Although, it may just be that men simple don’t give shit about clean clothes or dishes and wouldn’t wash things if we didn’t make them. They’d probably live in absolute squalor if left alone.
It’s one of those two, I’m pretty sure of it.
And one of the worst parts, for me anyway, is that I find myself actually getting pissed off that my husband seems to be turning me into the very nag I swore I wouldn’t become. Especially when he gets all huffy and ACTS like I’m being naggy…well, jesus, help me out a little here, asshole…instead of me “nagging” you all day (ie, asking him nicely sixteen fucking times in a row) would you prefer I just walk in and bitch-slap you and scream it in your face one time?
How about you just act like an adult and use a tiny portion of your brain and do what is reasonable all by yourself? He actually had the nerve to ask me one time in a most condescending manner (on a day when the house was particularly messy) what he could be doing to help me keep the house cleaner. WTF? Um, pick up your own shit, maybe? Do your own laundry? I’m surprised he flushes the damn toilet after himself. Bah…sorry for this rant, but um, I hear ya.
This further cements my suspicions that men are just very large toddlers.
I hear ya. I am the “magic dish fairy” at our house.
My fiance has this theory that we need two dishwashers – so that we can take clean dishes out of the dishwasher, use them and put them in the second one therefore never having to put dishes away. I am thinking that if he wants this then he should just hurry up and become the boss at work so that we can just buy a big mansion, cause that’s not going to be a feature in any two bedroom condo we buy.
And even if we had two dishwashers, I am not all that convinced that the dishes would ever get put in there or done by him anyways.
Can I just admit that I am the partner who commits these housekeeping fouls? I constantly forget to rinse out my bowls, rinse out dishes before I run the dishwasher, put another trash bag in to replace the one that was taken out, etc. I get the trash too full until the bag rips apart. I leave washed laundry in the washer for a week, letting it get stale and musty and stinky. I don’t have a reason, other than I forget. Yes, my parents taught me better, and yes, I know how things should be done, but. I space out. Sometimes Justin reminds me about breakfast bowls. He’s the more thorough cleaner. I do the best I can.
That being said, I don’t really see a reason not to use detergent to wash a cup. I’m forgetful, but I’m generally sanitary.
Desperate Housewife: I have to do this for the kids anyway, I might as well add a column for him!
Bunny: I agree–why don’t they feel icky about someone else picking up their crap?
Erica: It could very well be for this very reason you mention. I certainly blame Paul’s mom: Paul says that although he was asked to mow the lawn, he was never expected to do chores inside the house (his sister was). But by the time a man is in his 30s, it seems like he should have corrected his own behavior, so I blame him too. Oh, and I blame his father for setting the strong male example of making huge messes and never cleaning them.
Nellyru: EXACTLY, that is the MOST FRUSTRATING, is when then WE get in trouble for being naggy or mean! When the obvious solution is for them to not REQUIRE us to be naggy/mean! And what does he mean “help you keep the house cleaner,” as if it’s your exclusive job?
Monkeybusiness: I admit this idea appeals to me. Think of all the cupboard space that could be saved!
Oh don’t get me started, I have five kids ranging in age from 7,5, and twin 4 yo boys and oh yeah I forgot about the 33 yold boy oh no I mean baby!! LOL I dont have a big house so it looks messy 99.9% of the time with all the kids stuff laying around but I do clean non stop from 5 am to sometimes 2 or 3 in the morning NOW when my husband does fix himself a bowl of cereal and that is very rarely cause he swears his arms dont work or something IDK?? I clean my counters spotless cause my son has allergies and well wouldn’t u know it the husband spills cereal all over when he pours it out and milk too. He leaves the bowl and crumbs not even in the kitchen sink NO NO NO he leaves them on my coffee table to get ants and for the kids to spill over the next morning !! OH and everyone guess what I did it all yesterday too on Mothers day YUP I DID he didnt even get off the couch till night time claming he was sick but guess what it miraculously disappeared!! IDK? maybe its time for a bitch-slap as one of u who posted but I swear I hear it all to all of u my little secret Im hiring a maid today to come in and help out once a week it only costs 35 to clean the whole house so I deserve it or Im gonna lose it!!
I’m sorry to tell you this but in nearly 40 years, my mom still hasn’t trained my dad to spread wet kitchen washcloths flat on the counter so they’ll dry without that awful stink. And then I go and marry someone who ALSO can’t seem to hear that particular instruction. GROSS! It stinks! If you spread it out, it WON’T.
Although I have to admit, my hubby is better than most men at all other cleaning chores; I’m very lucky. He lived by himself for 10 years before he met me.
I always heard that the 7-things theory was the reason for 7-digit phone numbers. Guess that’a little old-school now what with the cell phone memories and the mandatory area codes. Oh well.
A personal favorite of mine is the old classic “leaving food out”. My husband will leave any food out, regardless of potential for spoilage, for any length of time. Then he is all pissed when I throw it away the next morning “just because it sat out all night”. I am no foodborne-illness nazi, but CRIPES.
I swear 7 is an average. As in men can remember 3 and women can remember 10!
Oh, Swistle. Thank you so much for the tilt-your-head-back-stare-at-the-ceiling-LAUGH that rings down the hallway at work and lets everyone know you have having waaaayyy too much fun to be doing your actual real job.
Not using soap to wash things! Scraping food into the disposal-less sink! I was told by a college Shakespeare professor that the only reason we laugh at anything is because we feel superior. Maybe there is some validity to that.
Thanks for the hearty chuckle. It was a good one!
OK, at the risk of being permanently banned from ever leaving comments here again: remember who your husband comes from. Remember who raised him, and how you feel about them, and then try to cut him a tiny little slack. Then I suggest you purchase from Home Depot a garbage disposal, wrap it up in nice paper with ribbons, and present it to him as a Father’s Day gift with the stipulation that he install it himself.
“wrapow!” (my word verification – I love it when they look like actual words)
As you can tell from the number of comments, your plight is a similar one to, I would venture a guess, 99.9% of married women. As a wife of 29 years let me just say this…my husband is exactly the same. As I write this my kitchen counter is full of my husband’s dirty breakfast dishes. The dishwasher is full of clean dishes he didn’t want to put away. I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I can spend the rest of my life complaining about it, or I can save my energy, do the dishes myself, and thank the Lord above that I have a wonderful man to share my life with. Cause I’d much rather have him around and have to clean up after him, than be sitting in this house all by myself. It’s all a matter of attitude. (p.s. it’s not the mom’s fault! i have a son and a daughter who were both made to do chores..my daughter is obsessed with cleanliness and neatness, my son is a slob.)
I feel a small percentage of your pain, and the rest I sympathize while shaking my head softly and tsk tsking.
I found that the problem in our home is follow through of a project. He cooks dinner, but leaves the amazing pile of seventy thousand dishes sitting there…or even more aggrivating for me is when he puts two inches of water in the pot, and places it back on the stove for “soaking.” He’ll make me a sandwich, but there will be little paper squares from the cheese all over the counter. He’ll do laundry, but leave a pile of folded clothes at the folding area so that the cats can sit on them and fully inundate them with their hairs (though I think this one is because of his obsession with “making the cats feel comfortable”)
So, what I’ve done is attempt pavlonian conditioning techniques. I will simply say “follow through” whenever he does one of these and many other “almost done” annoyances. Then, he gets in this fit where he’ll be searching around for what he didn’t finish up, and will often do a few other small tasks in the process while he’s trying to figure out what he di’int do. It’s like double success. And it’s fun to watch him squirm and try to figure it out.