Here is something I have noticed about my mother-in-law, and I am wondering if this problem is universal: she expects ME to handle all the communication between our house and hers. If she feels she hasn’t heard from us recently enough, she complains to ME. If she thinks we’re going to forget to send a relative a birthday card, she reminds ME. If she wants to ask ridiculous questions of the “Has the baby been born and you just haven’t told me?” variety, in order to highlight her pitiful state and our shameful neglect, she asks them of ME. Paul is totally in the clear, totally exempt; for some reason she considers it the daughter-in-law’s responsibility to handle these things.
That’s stupid, obviously. But I can understand why she leans on me for this, since if Paul had his way we’d be totally estranged from both his parents. It is in fact my own fault in some ways that this situation has come about, but I couldn’t stand watching Paul fail to send birthday cards, Father’s/Mother’s Day cards, Christmas gifts, or letters/emails of any kind–and so I started doing it. I see it as a kindness to them that I am willing to handle that communication, and I think she should be grateful to me and pissed at him. Instead, she not grateful, and in fact she is pissed at me for not doing more, and he retains Perfect Child status. In fact, the only thing that makes him less than Perfect is that he married an insufficiently dutiful wife who doesn’t take care of her in-laws as she should.
The dutiful role of gift-buying wife came as a struggle to me early on. I had enough trouble keeping up with my own family. If I left it all to my husband, none of his family would EVER receive ANYTHING. Not for weddings, babies, b-days, NOTHING. And yes, it seems to fall back on me if something is missed.
What’s up with that?
oooh, that sounds awfully familiar. D’s parents would not have recieved a birthday, mother’s day, father’s day, Christmas, etc present, card or phone call in the last ten years if it weren’t for me.
I even make him call his mother once a week. And yet, she is less than nice to me. I don’t get it.
Omaha Mama: YEAH! Exactly! No one in his entire family would get a wedding or baby gift, or anything! Nor, probably, would they have gotten thank-you notes for our wedding presents.
Devan: Sometimes I’m tempted to spell out the situation for the ILs. Wouldn’t that be satisfyingly mean? I won’t ever do it (I don’t think) but sometimes fantasize about it.
I guess I’m lucky. Justin’s very good about this stuff. I have enough trouble not forgetting MY family’s birthdays. We’d be in a lot of trouble, since I even lose the calendar where I write down special events. I’m glad he takes care of his side of things.
my in laws do the same thing. But they are weird. First of all MIL will not talk to me on the phone. If she calls, and I answer, it usually goes something like:
her: “hello?”
me: “oh hi, how are you?”
her: “where’s T?”
me: “….”
her: “HELLO????!!!”
me: “okay I’m getting him just a minute.”
her: “where’s T??”
So then I usually only get to talk to my FIL on the phone, who at least pretends to sound excited, only he starts off conversations with “Hey J! This is Firstname Lastname, your father in law!” And I honestly can’t tell if he’s just being silly or not. I mean, it could be the same first name as my OTHER father in law!
He will talk to me on the phone while my mother in law stands in the backgroud yelling at him “tell her to! tell her this! tell her that!”
But on the other hand I am glad for it because he will tell ME stuff and I will remember it. If he told my husband, he would forget, and we’d miss a lot of important things. I cannot count how many times I found out about something and was surprised, and they looked at T funny “didn’t you tell her?” and he will have a completely blank look on his face like “huh?”
So, if it’s important, the MIL tells the FIL and he tells me. It’s a wonderful chain of command.
Also, I think I will hate any woman that marries my son. The bitch… I will try not to though.
Oh, and I do not buy gifts for his family. I remind him that he needs to, and I might offer a suggestion if pressed, but.. not my problem. I made him write the thank yous to his side from our wedding and baby shower. I remind, but make him buy and write out all the cards. Maybe I am a bitch…
sorry about the novel!
Totally in the same boat over here. But I really love my in laws they are AWESOME people. So I really don’t mind it at all.
Everyone knows women are supposed to do EVERYTHING. Right?
Wait. Where are you all going?
Sigh. I know what you mean. Just yesterday we (Husband and I) got a nice dose of his Grandma’s outrage that she heard we were moving at a baseball game. (We’re not moving away, just across town.) Yep. She was very happy about that. But you know, in premarital counseling (and we have been married less than two years) we set the parameters: I deal with my family, he deals with his. It’s not my responsibility to update them on events. There are sometimes where I don’t mind doing so, or making a phone call, but I try to make it the exception rather than the rule.
But things like Mother’s Day, Christmas presents? Oh, I totally have to take charge, or else it would never get done.
Oh I have the same problem. Until I finally confronted my mother-in-law and told her that from then on it would be the hubs doing the communicating with her on everything (I was tired of her getting mad at me for a) missing stuff or b) not doing enough). My mom does not expect it from JD, I figure why should it be the other way around. When I confronted her, so you know what she said, oh this is the way I was treated by my husband’s family so I wanted you to feel the pain. Ummm just no.
it is J’s job to handle any and all communication with his family, and i do so with mine. which is easy for me since i’m estranged from my mother and my dad is dead.
furthermore, should he ever ask his mom if she wants to talk to me again and proceeds to hand the phone to me and make me freaking talk to her on the freaking phone…..then he’ll be getting NOTHING but a dirty look for 30 days.
and by the way, he married sub-par too. only i’m also a heathen whore who was in a sorority and (gasp!) drinks…alcohol!!! what? you didn’t know?
I failed this course miserably. I had no intentions of sending anything to my inlaws. That was up to my husband. And he just didn’t do it.
Now they have both passed away. I know you are expecting me to say I regret not making the effort but honestly, I don’t. But you had to know my in-laws to understand.
Oooh, you touched a nerve!
I leave all card and gift buying for my husbands family up to him and MAKE IT VERY CLEAR TO ALL OF THEM that it is UP TO HIM, so that they know I am not a thoughtless witch.
Although why I bother I dont know since no one is good enough for their wonderful son/brother/nephew anyway.
He is wonderful most of the time, but terrible about cards and gifts for people not in our house. Terrible. We will soon attend his niece’s First Communion, and I reminded him last night that he still owes her a Christmas and birthday gift too. I guarantee all three will be puchased on the way to the communion ceremony. Possibly even en route from the ceremony to the party. Yeah, definitely en route.
On that same note – although they all know he is responsible for all communications for his side, my MIL still pesters me about thank you notes to her friends and family, even going so far as to send me addressed notes and envelopes to thank her friends for gifts they sent us when the boys were born. The nerve! If there is one thing I do well, it is thank people for gifts. I wrote and mailed my wedding thank you’s on my honeymoon for God’s Sake!
Yep, we go through the same thing here. My MIL is also good at going to me to fish for information if she thinks her son isn’t telling her something. Or, if she has something to tell him that she doesn’t think he’ll like, she tells me so I can tell him for her. Sometimes it’s like being in the 3rd grade again.
Michele: That is REALLY BAD. Sending you addressed envelopes? Eeeg. I should have done the same thing about the agreement: not only made the agreement with Paul about dividing family responsibilities, but also MADE IT CLEAR to his family that that’s what we’d done. New brides, take note.
Shelly: My mother-in-law is always trying to get me to nag Paul about his health and his weight, and exercise and vegetables, and all the other things that I did NOT sign up for when I took the wife job. She seems to think that the wife is Mom Version 2.
I struggle with this constantly as well. And frankly, my husband is equally guilty. When “we” forgot his father’s birthday (we didn’t forget, we just forgot to call that day, despite sending cards, etc.), guess who was on the hook to call and grovel first? ME ME ME!
I think you nailed it: it’s just that if we didn’t, no one would. And man that blows.
I thought I responded and it didn’t show up…oh well.
Anyways, my DH has decided to not talk to his mom, which leaves her corresponding with me and him not wanting to share our lives with her. Can we say AWKWARD position?
I can’t remember birthdays and whatnot anyways, so we are the bad family members that are always late on gifts/cards, etc.
I went on strike one year from buying all the gifts/cards/…
Nobody in his family got anything, except his Dad. He bought him a $200 father’s day gift. I quickly took the gift buying back over!
Why do we have to do it all?
My husband has a small family and at first I made a concerted effort to visit, phone, get birthday gifts, etc. Last year, my MIL was angry at my husband for something and I called her (not knowing she was pissed); she was so cold to me and my daughter that I told my husband “I’m done.” We have had no contact with her for almost a year. He doesn’t care, so neither do I.
We are pretty fortunate in the family department, all the way around. So my situation is probably unusual in that I both enjoy my in-laws and being in charge of the gifting, card-sending, etc. In some ways it is a team effort, we always discuss how much to spend, what to get, and Matt will even do the purchasing (mostly, of gift cards)if I send him off in the right direction. I do not write thank-you notes for him though, that’s my line. If we get a joint or family gift I’ll do it, but not for gifts directed only at him. He also does add his own note in any cards we’re sending, when requested. But remember, I like doing that stuff. It is one of the only duties that mostly falls to me that I don’t mind at all.
Now, does anyone want to talk about yard work?
I know what you mean! It’s so frustrating. And your story makes me so glad we finally cut ties with dh’s family. Like it isn’t enough we have the obligation for our own family, then our parents/sisters/brothers/etc. We’re suppose to take over theirs too? uh, no…ain’t gonna happen for me. It’s time to change that mindset about males.