William came out of his room this morning and said, in the voice of a child who has just realized there is a surprising gap in the chain of what he knows, “What starts the baby inside? I mean, it starts from nothing!” He did a lightning-bolt clap to emphasize the word “nothing.”
At the time, I was trying to persuade the twins to eat their breakfasts rather than using them to test the theory of gravity, and I was responding to Rob’s third polite request from the couch where he is nested in with a fever this morning, but this is one of those drop-everything moments when the question at hand is too important to let slip by. Also, it was just a few days ago that an anonymous commenter asked if I’d do a post on this very topic, so secretly I was delighted to get more material for what had been looking like it would be a skimpy post. The anonymous commenter speculated that I had a lot of experience with this, but in fact I’d only discussed the Whole Scoop with Rob so far.
I’ve read funny anecdotes about parents who panic and tell the entire story, complete with tangents about the Kama Sutra and birth control options and sex for love / not for love, only to find that the child wanted to know something more like “Babies are usually born in hospitals.” So my approach when a child asks a question is to answer it in a distant, general way and work toward specifics as the child keeps asking. The first time Rob asked me a question, what he wanted was reassurance that the baby was not growing in the same tummy where food went, and when that matter was settled he was contented. The next time, he was curious about how the baby grew, but he was looking for information about the umbilical cord and the breathing/dining/peeing conditions, and wasn’t yet looking for specifics about conception. I think he was five when he wanted access to the classified files.
William has been present for some of my conversations with Rob, but I wasn’t sure how much he’d listened to. He’s six years old, and I think of that as old enough to hear the whole truth if he wants it, but it’s still young enough that he might not want to know yet. I asked if he remembered about sperm and eggs, and he said he did but I reviewed it anyway at the “sperm comes from the daddy, eggs come from the mommy, and a sperm and an egg combine to start a baby” level to see if that was all he needed, but no. He said, “But how DO they GET to combine?” and that’s when I realized I was going to have to use words like penis at 8:00 in the morning.
I have a book I like to use to brush up on the basics before I explain it to a child. You’d think all this information would be clear to me by now (unless you were one of the many people who greeted the news of this pregnancy with a cautious “You know how this keeps happening, right?”), but it can be helpful to review it in simplified terms. This is the same book my mom used when she was explaining the truth to Young Swistle: Where Did I Come From?, by Peter Mayle. The illustrations show the whole naked thing, but in a friendly way that isn’t too embarrassing for those among us who might feel a little embarrassed. It’s a good book to use for your own education before you have to explain elements of the process, and a good book to read aloud to a child who’s ready for the whole story.
For older children like Rob, who can read to themselves and might be starting to feel embarrassed about asking questions, I like It’s So Amazing!, by Robie H. Harris. This book goes into a lot more detail than Where Did I Come From?, including topics such as adoption, different kinds of families, and good/bad touches. It sticks mostly to boy parts and girl parts and reproduction, though. The format is comic-book style, with a bird and a bee who have different feelings about learning more about this topic (the bird is interested, the bee would rather not know). There are some good diagrams of internal reproductive systems; I don’t like to admit it, but I learned a thing or two myself.
I love that book. I still have mine, it’s on my bookshelf, and I’d planned to use it all along.
However my parents went straight for the truth, but they never told me what “the birds and the bees” story is, and I’ve been dying to know. Oh I suppose I could google it but who knows what I’d find.
Yikes. My daughter asked my parents how it all worked. She got the simple answer that babies come from love and that was enough for her at the time. It’s good to be truthful, yet age appropriate. I will look up those books…
my parents used tht same book with me! how did he take it?
Devan: He said, “Yuck.”
Yes, William, sometimes it is “Yuck”, but that’s a whole other conversation!
heh, I figured as much. My reaction was much the same and I was 10 or so. As you can see, I’ve gotten over it. :P
My mother used the “Where Did I Come From” book and it was great.
Not that you have time, but I was wondering if you would be interested in participating in the Multiple Mom Movie Madness thing I have going on: http://twinkies.bastetweb.com/2007/04/09/multiple-mom-movie-madness/
Oy. And at 8am.
When I was pregnant with Elise, someone asked Nicholas (who was 3) what was in my tummy and he said, “Baby. Daddy put her there.” “Uh. Yeah.” We still don’t know where that came from.
My daughter is 9 months old, so I have not had opportunity to field such questions (looking forward to it though!). Right now she is discovering she has a vulva, and likes to touch it whenever her diaper comes off. Not so fun if she’s pooped.
Anyway, this post made me realize that I will have to come up with a better strategy then my mother, who attempted to tell me about the birds and the bees when I was something like 15 years old and wishing I was anywhere but trapped in the car listening to the lecture.
Good post. My almost 4 year old is VERY interested in anatomy and he has asked me why I don’t have a penis. Geez. All he’s thinking of is How does mommy go pee or why does she have to sit down when I can do it on the run? Since vagina is not the analogous organ for the question… I’ve just left it as saying that I don’t have one.
Wow, I’m not especially looking forward to this particular parenting duty. I do remember my mom being fairly frank with me whenever I had questions, though her face was bright red the entire time. When I learned the whole penis in vagina thing, I thought, “Well, it’s adoption for me then, ’cause I’m NEVER doing that!”
oh geesh!!! that’s quite exhausting. i dread the days of explaining sex because i dont’ recall it ever being explained to me without being shameful. probably because my mother was borderline hooker and slept with the um, several. anyway….
when i was a nanny the little boy asked me if his baby sister grew in my tummy.
he also asked me if i’d ever seen his dad’s penis.
I was in the waiting room of my OB’s office on Monday, and there was a copy of Child magazine. In this particular issue, there was an article by a pediatrician regarding talking to your children about masturbastion. Particularly, what to do when you see your toddler fondling themselves publicly. It gave advice on how to handle the situation based on the age of your child.
I got so embarrassed reading it that I actually turned beat red sitting there in the waiting room. I was vaguely aware of having to teach Maddie about sex and menstruation when she gets older, but I have to admit, the subject of masturbation never entered my mind. I know my parents never talked to me about it. I’m pretty sure I would remember that.