This is not my first marriage. I was married once before. It was a long time ago, when I was still in school. It lasted less than a year. We didn’t have any children, a fact that makes me wish I were religious so I’d have a deity to thank every day for the rest of my life.
It ended badly. It’s likely he believes to this day that I left him in order to be with someone else. What actually happened is that I left him in order to get the hell away from him. I can understand why he would prefer his theory.
The greatest relief I have ever felt in my life was when I got out of that marriage. I have never wondered if I did the right thing. I have never regretted it. It was one of the best decisions of my entire life.
We haven’t been in touch since we separated. About once a year, I feel curious about what’s going on with him. I wish we had mutual friends who could fill me in; instead, I have Google. I rarely find anything informative. A big shock was the year a minor celebrity with his same name died, and so when I searched I got pages of obituaries and memorials.
Last night I searched. I found a blog. It’s his wife’s.
The blog is for their work, so personal details are scarce. Still, there are some. There are also some photos. I looked through every single post. I learned that he is living with his wife in the country he’d wanted us to live in, and that they are doing the work he’d wanted us to do. They have a son, and they’ve given him the name that he and I had agreed on. This reminds me of a book I read where a woman’s groom ditched her a couple of months before the wedding; she kept her dress and all her church/catering reservations, and just found a new groom.
The peek I got into the life he had in mind for us made me so grateful for my own life, I don’t even know how to adequately express it. My mouth is dry and my jaw is tingling with nausea, and I have the feeling you have when you wake up from a terrible dream and you just want to pet everything in your house because it’s there after all. Paul may drive me nuts with his inconsiderate thoughtlessness (this morning he read in the shower even though he knows that means there won’t be enough hot water for my shower) and his periodic idiocy (how many times is he going to stuff food down the drain?), but at least we have the same rough idea about how we want to live our lives, and about what we want to be doing in the future. We have roughly the same principles and ideals, roughly the same ideas of what’s right and what’s wrong, roughly the same goals for our children’s upbringing. The thought of being bound to someone whose principles and ideas were in fact repellent to me makes me feel like I can’t get enough air.
One reason I don’t often mention my divorce is that people think divorce is such a terrible, sad thing. They’re thinking of their own marriages, and how awful it would feel to have those marriages end. That’s not the right way to think of it. If you’re a liberal agnostic Democrat, imagine being married to a missionary for the Religious Right. If you’re a conservative Christian, imagine being married to a gay Wiccan abortion doctor. Now imagine getting out of it. The marriage was a terrible, sad thing; the divorce was wonderful. I am reminded of this when I see what could have been my future.
I find that incredibly creepy. Not that you were married previously, but how he so simply filled the void you left with another. Doesn’t it just make you wonder what kind of person she is? Well, bless her for having that life so you don’t have to.
I sent you a very rambly email about this post.
Glad you got out of that marriage!! Your current marriage sounds normal; your first husband sounds a bit “sleeping with the enemy” creepy with his life expectations.
Wow! What an amazing story. How strange that his wife went along with all of his ideas… doesn’t she have any of her own?
It sounds kind of trite, but I am happy that you are happy. And it’s awesome to have no regrets about your past!
I really enjoyed this. I often have to check myself because I admit when I hear about marriages breaking up I think ‘ending= sad’. It seems that sometimes it should be search and replaced with ‘escape=new beginnings. But, I agree with Shelly, it feels a bit weird that everything else is the same…
Gay wiccan abortion doctor!! Even though you’re writing about a hard topic, you still make me laugh. I’m happy that you got out of the marriage-divorce really is the best option sometimes. But, um, how the heck does one read in the shower?
Hair pats for the creepiness and sadness involved in finding out about your ex.
It’s surprising that you two had worked out entire details about your lives, down to children’s names, in the less than one year time frame you were married. That is some serious planning.
This entry reminded me, however, that a past googling of ex’s myself (ex boyfriends that is) brought me to a Wikipedia entry for one ex.
…and, the more I tried to summarize this, the more it turned into a little blog of my own, so perhaps I will update my own blog soon with this funny little story sometime soon.
Shelly: I had that same mix of feelings: creeped that he just went out and found another wife candidate (this one apparently more suited to his needs), and glad that it was someone other than me.
Kathi: This is such a mystery to me. My only conclusion is that he must just stand there using up hot water and reading his book, and then put the book aside (teetering precariously on the shower curtain bar) and take the actual shower. It is so infuriating, he’s lucky there’s a first husband to make him look good.
Penny: I think we were young enough that we did a lot of that planning for the “playing grown-ups” fun of it. One reason I felt like we were so compatible is that we both wanted to talk about things like “Whose parents do we visit for Thanksgiving?” and “What do we name the children?”–while we were still just dating. I am going to be very interested to read your Wikipedia-story post!
wow, I had no idea! I’m glad you got out. But, how does one read in the shower? I’ve never heard of that. I usually stand there and use all the hot water, but I shower AFTER the husband hehe
I can’t put my finger on how I’d feel… not quite jealous, but territorial over the name, like “hey that’s MY life.”
“Doing the work he wanted us to do in the country he wanted us to live in” made me immediately think that he must have wanted you guys to be some sort of missionaries in Mali or something. But then I thought, “Surely she couldn’t have changed gears THAT much?”
Anyhow, yes, it is very creepy that everything still happened exactly as he had planned. Who does that ever really work for, that all your adolescent planning is actually realized? He must have been very goal-oriented, or unbelievably inflexible.
creepy
that is all i have to say
do you think his wife knows taht she just may be his swistle-subsitute?
Oh, you are so not alone hun. I had a first marriage too. It was not a good one, but I did get my beautiful daughter out of it. I left him when I was around 8 months pregnant, and met my now-husband very shortly therafter. He adopted her when she was 3.
I call it my dress rehersal for the real thing ;)
I agree with everyone else. Creepy. He sounds like he is a very dominant type of man. Glad you got out when you did. From your writing, you seem to have some strong opinions and I can’t imagine you with a man like that.
I grew up in a family where divorce=bad. But then my brother “had” to get married. They tried for 3 years, but it didn’t work out. It was a messy divorce, but everyone is happier now. I think some divorces are OK if the parties invovlved are both miserable. Who wants to live life that way?
Great story. So glad that you didn’t continue with a bad marriage. So creepy about the kid’s name.
That is a great, albeit really creepy story. The kid’s name part is especially icky.
I am jealous yout husband manages to read in the shower. That would be me if I didn’t know I’d end up destroying my bookd.
I was in a relationship like that myself. Although we didn’t make it to marriage, I found out later that he had a ring. He thought I left him for someone else. That would have been easier, I could have gotten out sooner! I sometimes wonder how he’s doing, but then I remember the hell he put me through after it ended.
It’s good that you got out of that marriage. Maybe you’ll inspire other women in bad relationships to reevaluate their situations.
This has absolutely nothing to do with divorce, but: when Jonniker posted about getting a Keeper instead of a Moon Cup, you commented that you wanted to hear about her experiences with the Moon Cup. So, in the end, she kept the Keeper and bought a Moon Cup at a health store, and you can read about her experiences here: http://www.jonniker.com/?p=337#comments.
If you haven’t already. I just wondered, because you hadn’t commented, and I was waiting for SWISTLE’S comment.
Jen (Never Melts): I did feel a little territorial about the name–and I agree with everyone who says that creeped them out the most. I can see someone having a future plan that they’d want to do no matter what, but doesn’t he feel weird knowing that that’s the name WE chose? I would never use that name (or the girl name we chose, either), because it would be so WEIRD. Why doesn’t he think it’s weird?
JMH: Holy crap, did we ever have a lot of fights. Opinionated? Yes, I’m slightly. Inflexible? Yes, he was slightly.
Sleepynita: I have wondered this myself. I’ve also wondered what he’s told her about what happened.
Anonymous: AGH! I missed a Jonniker post! I have one of those RSS feed thingies, but every so often it misses one. Gotta go read! So so interested in this topic. Thanks for the heads-up.
My husband reads in the shower too! ARGG!! Except he turns on the shower, stops the drain, and LIES DOWN IN THERE AS IF HE’S TAKING A BATH! That is how he accomplishes the reading at the same time! Mystery solved, people, you are WELCOME.
I could probably get past the totally weird method, if he didn’t ALSO use up all the hot water. (He does this in the morning before we BOTH have to get ready for work). It is SO AWESOME.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Scott and I have been talking about the impending second marriage and just-happened third marriage of two of our friends lately. “They’re thinking of their own marriages, and how awful it would feel to have those marriages end. That’s not the right way to think of it.” Yes, we were. Excellent point. And yes, I am very glad I did not marry my first love, who is indeed gay.
You raise several very thought provoking points and yet the only thing I came away with was that Paul reads in the shower.
How is that possible? Doesn’t the reading material get wet?
1) I too have been married before, and your post captures all my feelings about my first marriage SO. Perfectly! I love it. And yes I know this post is like a year old.
2) My heart aches for you that your husband reads in the shower. I am known as sort of a bitch in my household. I am possessive of the hot water. The cold shower resentment would snowball in this house until I found myself wondering if a 2nd divorce might not be so bad.
maybe the other wife is happy with him or he can influence her better. i’d get over the name thing though. if one likes a name, the tendency is they will like it for good, no matter who they are with. that’s just my take. like i know my husband was stuck on one name for his son, his first born.
I loved this post. This is what needed to happen long ago in my marriage. By now, we’ve come so far, there’s no reason to quit but i sure wish I could have taken a different route from the beginning.