Here is something I am suddenly wondering about: If your baby is unplanned, is that something you keep a secret?
I was thinking about how, when someone tells me their baby was not planned, I always remember that little nugget of information. Even if I know they love their baby and are so glad the baby is here, I still remember that the baby was “an accident.” I wouldn’t want someone remembering that about my baby.
Most of my babies were planned. This last one wasn’t. I don’t know if I’m supposed to be keeping that a secret. I haven’t been. For one thing, it’s hard to lie about: if you have twins, and you’re due with another baby before the twins turn 2, it’s not likely you planned it that way. If you’ve gone around for years saying you wanted four children, and when you had your third and fourth together you went around saying, “Well, I guess this is the last pregnancy, then!,” and then you get pregnant again, it’s not likely you planned it that way. If you’ve mentioned to all your dear close friends that you’re just waiting for your period so you can start taking the Pill again, and then you get pregnant, it’s not likely you planned it that way. And it doesn’t really work, anyway, to say to my dear close friends, “YES! Yes, we totally planned this 100%!,” and then not be able to talk to them about my mixed feelings, or how it felt to find out, or all of the worries I have about it.
But I’m nervous that knowing he/she wasn’t planned will make this baby feel that he/she wasn’t wanted. “Unplanned” and “unwanted” are such entirely different things.
Personally I think that it depends more on how the child is treated after birth vs. whether the child was planned/not planned that would/wouldn’t give the child a complex about whether they were planned or not (Yes, you were a surprise, but such a WONDERFUL surprise). I probably phrased that in a terribly awkward way, but hopefully it made sense.
Ironically though, I felt (feel) weird telling people that my little guy was planned–here I am 30 years old and still blushing furiously at the thought of other people knowing what we were doing on purpose , lol.
Ha ha! I know just what you mean about the embarrassment of “planned”! It’s like when you say “we’re trying to get pregnant,” which gives such a vivid mental picture of what you’re doing to achieve that blessed state.
I liked what you said about how the child is treated later being what communicates to the child whether he or she was wanted. I know a family where the mother had an unplanned third pregnancy, and she talks about it that way even now, 20 years later, even making “jokes” such as “We were such a HAPPY family of four!” It seems like a very different thing if the child’s conception is talked about more like the surprise of winning the lottery: unexpected, yes, but so so happy and welcome!
Well. I think it’s totally fine to let your friends and whoever know that it was “unplanned” while you’re pregnant. But to tell the kid, when he’s old enough to actually understand, that he was “unplanned” is–to my mind–not going to make him feel that great about himself. Or you.
Sometimes it’s harder than you’d think to make a distinction between “unplanned” and “unwanted.”
Forgive me for being so random and commenting from so long ago, but I just found your blog and I absolutely LOVE the things you have to say, and your take on life. So I was “catching up” a little on this pregnancy…
Congrats on your new baby, and I look forward to reading more of your adventures into being a family of seven!!
Yes, there is a big difference between unplanned and unwanted.
My first baby was most definitely unplanned (we found out just two months into our marriage) and even very unwanted for the first few weeks after finding out. But we knew that this little person was supposed to be ours for a reason, that ultimately, it would be the right time for all of us, and that this little person was OUR BABY and we would love her beyond what we could know.
Yes, there is a difference between unplanned and unwanted- a pregnancy is an event, a huge life-changing event, whereas a baby is a person… a little tiny person created for you to love. That could never be unwanted.
By the way, we named our daughter with the middle name of Joy to be reminded of that fact. And to remind her that she is a true joy in our hearts, whether she ever knows she was “unplanned” or not.
I was unplanned and didn’t fully know how much so until I was in my teens, but it didn’t upset me or hurt me at all. My dad was so nervous about their first baby that my mom says he didn’t get over it until he held me. Pretty sweet story.
As is all this pre-Henry saga!
Ok, so I’m really late to the party on this one, but I’m enjoying going through all your archives – how fun! I think it is absolutely more about how they are treated after the birth. My husband and his brother were both unplanned pregnancies, and their mother (my MIL) will absolutely not let them forget it. His brother was a honeymoon baby and he was a New Years party baby several years later. She refers to them as “accidents.” She loves both of them, and I don’t think she is trying to be hurtful….but I see a slight wince in my husband’s face every time she laughingly mentions it.
I like the idea of the framing it with the same endearing emotion or of winning the lottery – unexpected yet happy and welcome! In my opinion the term “surprise” is more positive. “You were a wonderful surprise!”
Gracious! late to the party, AND with so many typos….my apologies!
Both of my children were planned. However, I had my first at 17. So it felt embarrassing and foolish to tell anyone that it was on purpose! To this day, only my husband and I know the truth, that we were TRYING to get pregnant, and at such a young age!