Paul and I split the dishes, as I’ve mentioned. I end up with more, because I’m home during the day with the kids, and so I’m responsible for all the dishes they generate during that time, which I believe is fair; I also do my own dishes, of course, and any that I use making meals for the children. He is responsible for his own dishes, and for the dishes he uses when he makes dinner for the older kids. Whichever one of us makes dinner for the grown-ups, the other one does those dishes. We treat this as an agreement that, while not actually carved in stone, is at least written on stone in Sharpie marker.
When I do my share, I don’t mention it. When he does his share, he mentions it. “I did the dishes!,” he announces, leaving me in a quandary. If he did MY share for me, of course I would thank him–but that’s not what’s happening here. If he routinely thanked ME for doing MY dishes, then I guess I would thank him for doing his, too–but that’s not what’s happening here, either.
What IS happening here, I think, is that he’s revealing what he doesn’t realize he believes: that I’m only doing what I should be doing anyway, whereas he is doing something special, something that isn’t really his job to do.
It has been suggested to me that I should be grateful for what he does do, since other men do less: look at our fathers’ generation! our grandfathers’ generation! They did SO MUCH LESS. I think that’s like saying I should be grateful to a stranger for not mugging me, since there are other strangers who would. People should be compared not to people who are in flagrant disregard of what is fair and right, but to people who are in compliance with what is fair and right.
I may have gotten a little beyond the dishes problem here. This is what can happen with household matters: they seem like small things on paper, but they can represent larger issues. The problem comes when one partner sees them as symbolic of a larger issue, and the other partner sees it as a small thing. Paul: “I did the dishes!” Me: “Why not just MUG me while you’re at it, ‘Grandpa’?”
Hee hee! I know EXACTLY what you mean. Eric also does all kinds of things, too and for which I am routinely told by other women that I should be oh so grateful. And I am. However, I married a PARTNER, not someone else that I’d have to clean up after.
The household chores are our main bone of contention. When we argue, it’s usually always about housework and how I feel that he doesn’t respect my time. Why am I required to tell him when to take out the trash or that it’s Friday, so he needs to bring in the milk? We both live here. The trash men come on the same damned day. Why do I have to remember for you?
I love this! My friend is going through some things with her husband right now and people keep telling her that men are “like that”- not as concerned about the kids’ schedule, appreciative of all you (the wife) do, etc. AND she should be grateful he works so hard! She’s a SAHM but she does it ALL.
My point is, some men need praise for everything, even the things they are suppossed to do. I think that is crazy.
Who would it hurt if you just said thank you? How would it worsen your relationship? How would it make you something less?
Dawn- Because it would reinforce to him something he “doesn’t realize he believes: that I’m only doing what I should be doing anyway, whereas he is doing something special, something that isn’t really his job to do.”
While realizing that I’m oh, so far out of date (and I should *really* be working!), I had to comment because of a conversation that I had with my husband last night. We don’t have any kids yet. I’m presently working as full-time sugar-mama. He’s in his last semester of grad school, just finishing his thesis right now (which should have been done two months ago, but that didn’t happen, and, of course, while he’s so focused on his thesis, he can’t bother trying to look for a job, so no job in sight yet, but I’m not bitter).
So, we’re out at dinner, because I didn’t want to try and cook when I got home at 7.30, and he’s talking about the things he’s going to do tomorrow (today), while he’s at home “practicing his presentation” for his thesis defense on Friday; most of this involved watching a movie while working on a pet project (which, admittedly, is for me, so I shouldn’t complain). I make a comment about being jealous that he gets to sit around and watch movies while working on his hobbies all day, while I have to go work all day (which we see I’m doing so well at right now).
He turns on me with this whole “I should just suck it up, because in a couple of months, he’ll have a job that he’ll have to work at for the next 30-plus years and I can just sit around at home watching all the movies / read all the books I want.”
Excuse me? Hello, Mister Raising-your-children-and-cooking-your-meals-and-cleaning-your-house-while-doing-freelance-work-to-bring-in-extra-money,-like-I’ve-been-doing-since-we-got-married (except for the “raising your children” part; that’ll come later, I assume). His mom was a SAHM–does he really have that little a clue?
Thanks for letting me rant; I can’t do it on my blog, since he reads it. Then again, maybe I should.
My husband does something like this too. I usually respond with something like “That’s cool,” so I acknowledge what he said without making it into something special. I’ve gotten used to it & now it only bugs me when he stays home SICK from work, and when I get home from the office he’s like “I washed 5 loads of laundry, picked up the dog poop from the yard, recycled all the newspaper and junk mail, and cleaned the kitchen”. I can only ever muster a “Why?” when he does that, because my sick days are nowhere near that productive.
Love this. Thanks for including it in your three today.
It reminds me (as so many things do) of Pat Mainardi’s “The Politics of Housework,” which is not as dated as it should be.
The politics of housework, indeed. We deal with this EXACT SAME THING at home and it drives me batty. I’m still waiting for it to not make me crazy, but I don’t think that will ever happen.
So clearly this drives almost every single woman I know batty. Why oh WHY can the men not figure it out? I mean, really? Do they not UNDERSTAND how much it would mean to us to not have to be in charge of the butter all the time? (I can’t find a good summary of Nora Ephron’s butter rant, so google it to find other people talking about it in other contexts if you have no idea what I’m talking about.)
Same problem here. I work outside the home so I have absolutely no patience for that shit. I often ask if he announces each of his tasks completed out loud to his coworkers looking for recognition. Still doesn’t get it. I think men just need praise like puppies.
Worse than this, I think, is when my man blinks up at me from the couch and says “This house is a mess!” as though it just *happened* around him and not as a direct result of him not picking up after himself and leaving his dishes on the coffee table and his shoes wherever he happens to kick them off. I’ll tell him that he’s more than welcome to help me tidy up and he ACTUALLY SAYS “But I’m the man.” Yeah, I think he might be dead soon.
I just read a book that said ” When men do housework it is a favor and when women do housework its forgotten.” Pretty much sums up the situation at my house too.
Haha! Same thing happens here. Last time the husband cooked (his task in this household) and I was not in a very appreciative mood, he actually said ‘well I was hoping for at least a thank you’ – to which I replied ‘unless you thank me for doing the laundry every time you put on clean underwear, i don’t need to say thank you when you cook, no matter how tasty the meal.’ I think he actually got the message. Pffew!
We have the same thing going on here too. It makes me want to list all the things I’ve done that day like, wash your clothes, entertain the kids, wash the floor, bathroom, dog, etc.
If I would have read this in 2006 as a one year married person then it would have been so helpful!!!