Every year we receive two perky messages from the school about what the children are wearing. One comes in December, when we are reminded that “Gone are the days of heat waves and sandals!!” and the other comes in May, when we are similarly prompted to look out our windows and observe changes in the weather. I am annoyed EVERY TIME, even though I KNOW there is a need for such notices. No, I KNOW. Do not tell me I would be surprised: I would NOT be surprised, because I ALREADY KNOW.
But my own children are NOT wearing flip-flops in the snow, or bikini tops and short shorts as soon as it hits 70 degrees, and so I don’t like to have someone CHIRPING at me about it as if “we” forgot to take “our” “meds” this morning. I wish there were a practical way to send these notices only to those who need them. NO, I GET IT, THERE IS NO PRACTICAL WAY. But are we also in general agreement that the people who NEED to be told that their children should not wear flip-flops in the snow are NOT going to be affected by a school-wide chirpy little notice? “Oh! The school is right: flip-flops and snow DON’T go together! Silly old me, I’d forgotten the days were getting shorter and Old Man Winter was on his way!”
This is Rob’s first year of middle school, and HA HA HA HA HA! Oh, I do feel SO SORRY for the middle school staff. I can picture their weary postures, and the way they go home to their spouses and say “You would not BELIEVE how much RIGHTEOUS ANGER an 8th-grade girl can manufacture over the definition of the word ‘crop top.’ No, you would not believe it. No, don’t even try, just…bring me a bottle of wine and a funnel.”
I can HEAR in the newsletter that the middle school staff does not WANT to make a dress code. They want to say, “Wear REASONABLE clothing, please, and let’s get on with the day.” But no: the children push and Push and PUSH, until the staff is FORCED to say things such as “Shoulders of tops must be at least three (3) inches wide.” I’m sure that in the beginning they were thinking, as I am, “What’s wrong with a tank top?” And many VERY HEADACHEY days later, it’s “three inches” and then needing to spell out that “three” = 3.
This one seems to me to come from the calm that only psychiatric medication can provide: “Necklines of shirts should provide thorough coverage of the chest area.” THOROUGH! When the writer of that line was in college headed for a career in academia, did he or she think they would be spending time forming that sentence? And would he or she consider changing “chest area” to “chestal region,” because that would be way funnier. And then, in the part about the shoulders of tops, I think we should say “shoulderage.”
“Undergarments cannot be visible at any time.” I’ll bet the first draft included “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PEOPLE” and a long scream.
“Pajama/lounge pants are not permitted” seems like it is just ASKING for trouble. Does this mean yoga pants? But those are perfectly reasonable pantsage! Is it NO soft pants at all? “All pants must have a snap and a zipper and belt loops, and be made of a sturdy fabric such as canvas or denim; more than 2% spandex is not permitted”? Mark my words, there will be such changes in the next memo!
This is why schools end up thinking to themselves, “You know what? We are done. UNIFORMS.” Which only leads to MORE rules. “Waistbands of skirts must not be folded over.” “Uniform elements must be the appropriate size, neither slouchy nor skin-tight.” “Knee socks must be within one (1) inch of the knee.” “Hooker-style thigh-high lace-up boots may not be worn.” “Lip balm may not be worn, because we are not talking to ONE MORE middle-school girl about the difference between ‘balm’ and ‘gloss’.” “Parents should be advised that their children are a huge pain in the ass. Thank you for your consideration.”
This is so freaking funny!!
My schools had incredibly strict dress codes — as in, it was Georgia (i.e., blazing hot about 60% of the school year) and we were not allowed to wear shorts, plus all shirts had to be tucked in at all times. The vice principal used to come around with a ruler to check people’s skirt-length. And we couldn’t wear flip-flops (I don’t even think we could wear sandals).
And now that I’m thinking about it from the lens of being a parent and imagining how much drafting it would take to specify what shorts and open shoes WOULD be acceptable (and during which months), it seems pretty reasonable.
I love this post.
I worked at a hospital during college, and we had a very similar dress code. It was hilarious. And yet, you should have seen what people tried to wear. Hint: a t-shirt with Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes) peeing on something is not appropriate for an interview.
One would think that “reasonable clothing” would be enough. Or perhaps, no memos at all. COMMON SENSE people. On the other hand… I have 4 children: 16, 14, 12 & 10. They are all boys. One would think this would exempt me from the headache of clothing issues. One would be wrong. Teenage boys in winter NEED shorts because all the testosterone they are swimming in makes them HOT. My God it is so HOT. Open a window in the car. I don’t care that it’s -10 degrees outside.
Also, the 12 year old. Oh him. What to say? Most days I’m just glad he’s going to school. The waist band of his boxers are sticking out of his skinny jeans? Is his butt hanging out? No. We’re good then. Just be glad he is THERE.
I’m forwarding this to my brother, who is the Vice Principal of a middle school. Also all the other teachers I know.
This is the reason I shied away from a career in the school system. But also, then, I feel like the schools get so caught up in it and then end up suspending kids because they forgot their belt too many times. No, really. This happens.
It just makes me think, um, hey! Can we focus on what matters…like maybe Math or Science? Rather than “You have an obvious lack of a waist accessory that meets our exact specifications and are therefore denied your education for the day.”
SIGH.
I’m just glad my area enforces a dress code now. When I was in high school I got so tired of hearing girls scream when the boys threatened to pull their tube top down.
Uh, Hello!
It’s like the warning on McDonald’s coffee cup: Warning, contents are hot.
Oh you don’t say? But some poor soul needs those directions.
I am dying with laughter.
The funny part is when I was a high school student there was much serious talk of switching the school over to uniforms and in general, it was the PARENTS who balked at the idea and the kids were all like “OH THANK GOD, does that mean I can stop wearing these stupid ripped jeans just to fit in?”
“Fingertip-lenth shorts” is the one I remember from middle school. Then the rule changed to “no shorts allowed” because no one could follow the length rule.
LOL! I wen to Catholic school for 12 years so I never encountered that sort of specifics.
I think what public schools need are what Catholic schools used to have.
Nuns with rulers & the authority to whack you with those rulers in the area in which you have deviated from the dress code prior to forcibly correcting your deficiency with duct tape or by ripping out seams as necessary.
Solved no end of problems in my schools.
If our county puts uniforms up for debate I will be there shouting on the PRO side because I think they are great & thought so in highs school. So quick, so easy & it meant my cool clothes lasted longer before I felt like “everyone has seen me in that”
This is so funny. And yet so true. It kind of makes me want to cry, because I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. That’s so funny, the thing about the uniforms. Sure, uniforms, but not worn in a slutty, schoolgirl-fantasy way.
It’s funny administrators don’t just give up. Or maybe they do, and they are secretly drinking on the job because I know I would be.
“Wine and a funnel”–YES.
Interesting note: I once sat on a homeowner’s association board (DO NOT EVER DO THIS) and the only fellow board member who was able to deal with the “OMG there is CRABGRASS in the GREEN SPACE you all suck FIX IT” crazies was the retired middle school english teacher. He was calm, reasonable, and absolutely unflappable.
Also, I think you need to include this post in your “Best of Swistle/ for handy reference” column there on the side. In fact, you could just go ahead and make a whole middle school section. Please.
“Hooker-style thigh-high lace-up boots may not be worn.” — hahaha! I wouldn’t be surprised to see this.
I used to live on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, and the clots of uniformed girls from the private schools cracked me the hell up. Yeah, they were wearing grey skirts and white shirts, but it was like the uniform was just the canvas – socks, shoes, sweaters, rolled hems, wife-beaters, thigh highs, you name it. It kind of turned the idea of a uniform on its head.
I remember when my high school FINALLY instituted a dress code (my senior year) at which point things had just gotten SO ridiculous. You could wear anything you wanted any day of the year, except Halloween when girls would get sent home to change if they wore a costume that was remotely sexy (even though that would have been fine any other day.)
It finally came to a head when a bunch of senior girls decided they should all start wearing hooters shirts to all the football games. Then came the “girls can’t wear hooters shirts” rule which caused an uproar because BOYS could still wear hooters shirts. And then finally a dress code.
I went to Catholic middle school and HS and the nuns were intense in their enforcement of the dress code. Then I grew up and one of my best friends became a middle school principal and I felt his pain in dealing with that crap.
Then again, where I work now has an incredibly detailed dress code because evidently even adults often cannot fathom what “professional dress” means without incredibly specific guidance. Sigh.
My kids went to a school with a dress code up until this year. And while I thought I was against the dress code, this year has shown me that I was wrong. My daughter’s friends (10-year-old girls) show up in strappy tanks, mini-skirts and high-heeled sandals. Yeah, I’ll take collared shirts and khaki pants only ANY DAY.
I’m not a teacher but I struggle with this as well as a Girl Scout leader.
We took our girls camping a little while back and put on the packing list that they needed to bring “weather-appropriate clothing” (you know, encouraging parents to actually look at the weather forecast.) Nope, instead we had girls in tank tops and shorts in 50 degree rainy weather … which meant that some of them spent most of the weekend wearing my clothing. Grrr…do I really have to spell everything out?
I went to private school in Britain, so of course it was uniforms all the way. Not just “a blue skirt” and “a white shirt” type stuff, noooooo – a specific uniform, only available from one, specific (overpriced) shop, or second-hand. It was hideous, but did solve all who-wears-what and who-looks-cool v. who-looks-a-dork type matters. I remember on the first day of every term we had our morning assembly and, class by class, we all had to kneel down. Our delightful, wool, A-line, mould-green skirts had to be skimming the floor. Any longer or shorter and they had to be “repaired” by the next day, when they were measured again. No schools in France have uniforms and it is such a headache (and my girls aren’t even in middle school yet – that’s when the “brand name fetishes” start apparently and I’m dreading it already…). I would JUMP at the chance of a uniform!
This is SO hilarious and also rather shocking. It makes me simultaneously wonder WHAT are middle schoolers WEARING these days? and also Holy ham sandwich I am SO GLAD I am a recluse so that I have no idea what middle schoolers are wearing these days, because it sounds like it would give me fits.
This annoys and offends me every year. Our dress code includes the line “no beach-like clothes of any kind.”
on the flip side I resent it, because in the winter? my kid is inside all day, and it doesn’t matter one whit to you if he wears Keens with no socks, so, hey, how about you shut up and myob, because he’s clean and attentive to his work and he’s not causing any kind of distraction. Also dumb to ban ALL skinny straps or cap sleeves, when obvs it can be tasteful.
A “first draft memo” post would be very entertaining. And don’t you know that even the most caring teachers want to “please advise” parents of that last line sometimes.
— Mairzy.
HAHAHAHAHA! This is awesome. We have a dress code at our school and I love it. I’ve always been pro dress code since I never had the cool clothes growing up. At first my husband was all “YOU ARE STUNTING THEIR ABILITY TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES” but he got over it quickly.
Our karate dojo started making the kids buy the official dojo shirts to wear under their gi (uniform) and at first I thought it was a marketing ploy, but then I found out it was because someone sent their kid to karate class with a beer t-shirt on.
I lament the lack of common sense.
Thank you for your empathy. I’m a teacher. You’re right: we really wish we could have a common sense policy but adolescents lack common sense. Nobody wants to police kids’ grooming. “Why are you even noticing that my bra straps/boxers are exposed? …” This is especially bad for male teachers.
I’m not much of a libertarian but I am quite persuaded by freedom of expression objections and also that the social and institutional policing reflects sexist and heterosexist values in larger society. So, yeah, some of the indignation is actually righteous. And yeah, that kids actually get suspended for this stuff is ridiculous.
Like Becky, I’m about to go on a school camping trip with my daughter, but instead of a common-sense “weather-appropriate” guideline, we got a full PAGE of what to pack, including two pairs of pajamas (one warm, one cool), wool hat and mittens, two jackets (one warm, one rain jacket), rain boots, hiking shoes, etc etc and bloody etc. And then they are supposed to carry it all BY THEMSELVES to “promote independence,” after they had no say whatsoever in what to pack! My daughter is a tiny 6-year-old and if the teacher says something to me when I carry her bag like a Sherpa I will regrettably have to punch her in the nose.
I really hope I don’t have to have arguments with my kids about what is appropriate. I seriously never gave my mother that kind of grief! I did plenty of other things to drive her crazy, but my attire was not one of them.
Swistle for president!! Hear hear!
I used to teach in a middle school, and once the weather got warm, my inbox would be FLOODED with emails from coworkers letting THE WHOLE STAFF know that they had spoken with Girl A about her visible bra straps and SEND HER IMMEDIATELY TO THE OFFICE IF YOU SEE THEM AGAIN, followed by another one that they already told Girl B that her skirt was too short so if she is seen without her gym shorts on then SEND HER IMMEDIATELY TO THE OFFICE and so on. Teachers got so het up about kids defying them on the dress code, it got humorous at times. I mean, yes, I get it, but whoa.
As a former middle school teacher, I love everything about this post. We spent entirely too long debating what was appropriate for the students to wear, going so far as to require shoulders be covered at all times. This dress code spilled over to the teachers too, so we found ourselves purchasing all manner of what we called “safety sweaters,” so we too, could keep in compliance with the code. Obviously, no one can be trusted to determine what is appropriate shoulder coverage.
When I was a high schooler growing up in Minnesota, there was a kid who wore shorts Every.Single.Day.Of.The.Year. He would not be deterred. In MINNESOTA, ftlog! I think once he took it a little too far into the fall, and then it became A Thing and he couldn’t go back. Sad.
I also remember that his name was Micah, and we called him Formica, which I deeply regret because it ruined what I now find to be a perfectly lovely name. Damn kids.
I love me some softpants!
If I were still teaching, and you were the parent of one of my students, I would love you for this. In fact, I still do. Yes, nobody in education wants to deal with this CRAP. It was amazing one time when a parent explained that her daughter wasn’t learning because I wasn’t spending enough one-on-one time with her, when I had just spent 15 (out of 50) minutes of the day’s class dealing with her daughter’s clothing indiscretions.
Yes, girls come to school half-naked, and then we get to police it. Fun.
I’m in Australia, and think it’s endearingly weird that you don’t have uniforms- like PROPER uniforms- because pretty much all our schools do, whether private, public or catholic. The day my eldest daughter started at age 5 was the end of daily arguments about twirly skirts and summer dresses in winter. I’ve never been so glad…
Bring me some wine and a funnel. HAAA. (Stealing this idea for new post-kid bedtime ritual.)
I really have no faith left in the common sense of kids (and sometimes their parents) when it comes to dressing appropriately for the weather. Every year it seems like the first day we don’t have snow and/or below-freezing temps, I see girls walking down the street in flip flops and shorts that barely cover their behinds. In early March we had a relatively warm day after months of very cold weather. On the way home from work I saw 3 early-teen girls wearing these shorts. It was 40 degrees!
From what I remember of my school days, kids can be pretty sly about talking their way around rules. A hard-luck story and the rules are bent for them, which is an opening for “but you did it for her,” then the rules go out the window. I love the idea of uniforms.
What the hell kind of horrible place outlaws LOUNGE PANTS? Those things are MAGICAL.
It’s times like this I am so happy that Australian schools all have a uniform. It makes everything so much simpler- for parents, teacher and the kids.
There are a number of teenaged girls I often see in our area, waiting for the bus to school, wearing the typical Catholic uniform of plaid skirt, blouse, etc. Even in the dead of winter (and I’m referring here to Canadian winter, so it’s not for the faint of heart) the girls tend to have their skirts rolled over several times, exposing an extra few inches of their inexplicably bare legs. They stand at the bus stop, shivering, with legs so cold they’re practically BLUE, and I can’t help but wonder how exactly they think they’re going to pick up boys like that. I mean, I was a teenage girl a little over a decade ago, so it wasn’t that long ago that I was enthusiastically sacrificing comfort for the sake of a boy (his name was Derek, and he loved a style of shorts I hated but wore anyway) but the blue legs seem a little … extreme.
I have been to three different kinds of schools:
One school had a dress code in the sense that you couldn’t wear low cut tanks, super short shorts, certain kinds of shoes, etc. This was the worst, because there wasn’t actual FREEDOM in dressing, but there were absurd and arbitrary rules that had to be followed.
One school had a very strict uniform that involved plaid. Ugh. This was the school in which I experienced BY FAR the most bullying, just for data points. Uniforms do not solve bullying issues! I got grief for not wearing my skirt as short as the popular girls (who carefully rolled them DOWN when not in class), for wearing the wrong uniform shoes, etc, etc.
The other school was the loosest and the best. No dress code except you couldn’t wear something that advertised sex, drugs or violence, so no Playboy shirts or Budweiser hats. Otherwise, whatever. And the faculty decided what did and didnt count as advertising those things, and their word was law.
This worked by far the best, which is kind of surprising, except that I think perhaps it allowed folks to find their niche better? Not sure, but even the more mild dress code was a disaster. Also, part of me feels like a kid who wears flip flops to school in a blizzard probably won’t do it twice, but kids may be more idiotic than I think!
I’ve also received these notes from Cal’s school. On occasion, I feel like dressing her up in a tankini in the middle of winter and sending her off to school. Just cuz I’m a mature parent.
We had to call in a mother to pick up her daughter with a very low cut shirt. When she got there she started yelling, I shit you not..”it’s not like you can see her nipples! You are just jealous because she has better tits”. This was said to one of our female deans. Which really only sort of relates to the topic, but I thought you would all enjoy.
When my husband was in high school, they had rules about no shorts during certain months, but nothing was said about skirts. So he, and a bunch of guys from the football team wore skirts to school. I wish I could have been there to see it, lol!
Lippy that is the SINGLE BEST THING I’ve heard in at least a week.
When I worked at the junior high in 2010 you would NOT believe the clothing battles that went on! As the media specialist I was mostly spared from dealing directly with it, other than consoling a girl who came in to see me in hysterics because she was being called out for her clothes and complained that the rules weren’t being uniformly enforced. (They weren’t). I don’t know why it was so difficult to explain to kids that seeing their tushes peeking out of their shorts was not attractive. SIGH.
As a person who has written those “reminders” into classroom newsletters – I always had some feeling that most of the people actually reading the newsletters didn’t need the reminder – but what else to do???
oh this made me laugh so hard! of course, we violated the uniform code all year. My son is in the absolute smallest uniform size that their company makes with their logo and that shit STILL wants to fall right off of him. OH WELL. they switched to uniforms to avoid all that stuff and now they have to deal with all the accessories . . . HAHAHAHAHA it never ends!
Oh jeez. This is one more reason I am trying to figure out how to stop my children from aging to the middle school years.